Christmas Morning

 I gave my students a writing assignment last week titled "Christmas Morning." the directions were to give me a picture of what Christmas morning feels like to them, making sure to include all five senses in their writing. I'm excited to see what they produce, but during the process I produced an example myself. Below is what I will read my 8 year olds tomorrow:

              I pop out of bed, Christmas music playing softly in the background. Looking over at the clock I realize it is already 10 in the morning. Although my start is a little later than in my earlier years, I still feel the child-like joy of Christmas morning as I retreat from my bedroom into the kitchen where I smell ham cooking in the oven and see my Mom already hard-at-work in the kitchen preparing our Christmas day meal. I glance to the living room where my Dad sits near the tree in his Vikings pajama pants. “Good morning” he says, “Merry Christmas!” a certain joy fills the room that is only present one day a year.
“A merry Christmas it is” I think to myself as I take in the sites of the tree overflowing with perfectly wrapped gifts that weren’t there the night before. In the background snow falls softly in the window which perfectly frames the tree as if it was taken directly from a Terry Redlin painting. I think for a moment about the work that went into shopping for each of the gift under the tree, I notice the bows- neatly curled- on each package and, for the first time in my life, deeply appreciate the efforts put in to make Christmas day what it is- even 23 years later. The over-flowing stockings catch my eye as I retreat to the couch next to my Dad and I still get a feeling of anxious anticipation to discover what will be buried deep inside.

                Cheesy ham wafts through the living room indicating that the egg bake has been removed from the oven and will be taking its place at the kitchen table followed promptly by my brother who will surely be snacking before we reach the morning meal prayer. ‘Some things never change’, I think to myself as I reflect back through the years of December-25ths spent together in that very same kitchen. Through the ups and downs of our ever-changing family, one thing has remained (slightly) the same- the Christmas morning feeling. The traditions of our family morning meal, the over-stuffed stockings holding gifts from Santa, and the joyful Jesus was born today realization make me look forward to years ahead, which will surely bring the pattering feet and magical giggles of children at 6 am, creating an ever-circling tradition of the joy that is Christmas morning.

Whirlwind We Call Life

I've been missing-in-action for quite some time. Somewhere between the sunny days of summer when I had an abundance of me time and downtime, and the chilly days of fall- feeling swamped and overwhelmed with work, I fell off the face of the blog-world earth.

And I'm back. If only for a short time, I am back to tell you that life has taken so many unexpected, wonderful, and incredible turns.

I began my teaching career, and was immediately thrown right into the thick of it all. People can warn you, they can tell you what it will be like, they can even give you real-life accounts of the first year of teaching, but until you're sinking knee-deep into it, you will never really know exactly what it's like. It's full of emotion. Overwhelming emotion that, at times, consumes who you are as a being.  You go from mountain-top to Grand-Canyon-sized valleys and back in a matter of days. You're exhausted to the point where you collapse on your bed at home wondering how you're ever going to get up and do it all again tomorrow, and then you do. But the underlying tone of it all is this pure joy. At least for me it is. It's this unexplainable feeling of accomplishment, and excitement and relationship at the end of each day. It's this exhausted, I don't know how I'm going to go back but I want to type of feeling and it's so. darn. exciting. I can honestly and truly say, I love it. I absolutely love everything about it. What a blessing.

I am thoroughly convinced that the Man-Upstairs knew exactly what he was doing when he put it on my heart to be a teacher. Through all of my doubts, my regrets, my I-don't-know-if-this-is-what-I-was-meant-to-do's, through every night spent thinking about my other options, and every word uttered saying "I'll give it a try." He was looking down on me saying I know what I'm doing, Amber. I've got this. Just trust me. And although I will admit there were times I absolutely didn't trust him, didn't even trust myself, I stuck it out because I knew there must be a reason and a plan for my life far beyond what I could comprehend.

And I am so glad I did. I am incredibly happy. I genuinely love each and every one of my co-workers. I feel deeply blessed to work at the most amazing place on earth with a family- yes, a family- of people who are amazing individuals. And I care about my students far more than I ever thought I could, or would- but I do.

To top it all off, Rob finally popped the question. I am marrying my best friend. I knew this day would come, but I could have never imagined what it would be like when I could actually say those words.

So, in between every lesson-planning, worksheet-making, paper-correcting night, I am joyfully planning my wedding to the man of my dreams. And I'm sending up a lot of thank yous to the Big Guy for carefully crafting my life into something so beautiful, and more precisely planned out than this anal-planner of a girl could plan out herself.

Going, going... gone.

I'm creeping up quickly on the end of my summer. And although it is back-loaded with an abundance of exciting activities, I'm still appalled and slightly saddened by how fast it went. Surprise, surprise... I say that every year- and I have a feeling that will be the soundtrack of my every mid-August for the rest of my days.

As my classroom gets more and more put together I become increasingly excited about it, and ready to take on a load of kids. The walls are painted, signs are hung, desks are placed (including my own), and only minor details need to be hatched out before kids arrive- although each of those minor details tend to take 5 hours a shot- I think I can do it.  It has been quite the adventure already, and school hasn't even begun. I can't imagine the things I'm going to have to say about teaching once you throw 15 little ones into the mix, but all-in-all I'm so excited to be Ms. Henne, and to embark on that adventure with my students.

Less than two weeks left of nannying. Two weeks? What? How in the world did that happen? It's been a busy and splendid summer with the kids, and I am always so grateful that I get to be a part of their lives and watch them grow and change daily. It's a tough job at times, but so rewarding always. Little Lexi informed me the other day that "Amber, I know that if you and Rob had to be our parents, Rob would marry you really fast." In reference to a conversation about God-parents, who they were and what their purpose was. She was convinced that Rob and I are her God parents, because we're the parents that God gave her. My heart certainly did swell in that moment. 

Sun setting on the lake, wine, grilled perfection, warm weather, no bugs- Deciding to head out to the lake on Saturday for an evening together was the exact quality time that I needed this weekend with Rob. We had such a great time just enjoying each other's company, listening to the radio, eating dinner and watching the sun set on the lake. On Sunday we both even got a little bit of work done, while hanging out- what a way to do it!

And... tonight, TRAIN. I have never been a huge Train fan, although, as I looked at their playlist, I wondered why I haven't been more of one. They have an abundance of wonderful songs. Recently, my all-time favorite song is sung by them. And tonight I get to experience it all- live. So. Excited.

That teaching blog is still at the back of my mind. Now that I have before and after classroom pictures, I'm getting more and more anxious to get it rolling- but I still can't pull the trigger quite yet. It'll come soon.

Thanks for all your love.

Fly By Summers

The 4th of July has come and gone. Actually, the 4th of July flew by like a fence post out the window while driving down the interstate. It was here and gone that fast. It's hard to believe that summer is already half over. Where does time go, how does it go so fast? I just can't seem to ever wrap my mind around that concept of the 3 months between the end of May and the end of August seemingly taking a great deal longer than the three between Christmas and my birthday.

This summer has been a wonderful ride of memory making, and has graced me with several different emotions. Approaching the end of the summer I will begin my first real grown-up job, and I absolutely can't wait to see where that takes me. But with that excitement comes a great sense of anxiety- the room's not ready, I'm not ready, I have so much to do, so much to get in order- overwhelming to say the least. 

I know it will all work out wonderfully, and I'm trying to enjoy the last few weeks of off-the-hook freedom before I really have to buckle down and actually start stressing, but let's get real- I've been stressing since the day I signed my contract. Excited and nervous.

This weekend was another out-of-the-park, home run weekend of fun, adventure and excitement.Saturday was a beautiful 90 degree day, and I got to spend it at Pelican lake literally surrounded by people I love. What a blessing. There was a moment during the day when my Dad, my brother, Rob and his Dad were in the water swimming in the middle of the lake, and I stopped and said to myself "What a lucky, lucky girl I am."

I've been saying that a lot this summer- how blessed and lucky I am. Longtime friends, new friends, birth family, gained family (although not yet, technically), a boyfriend who is a best friend, a job, financial stability, and a whole lot of love in my life and in my heart. 

Switching gears completely- I'm finally going to bite the bullet and start my teaching blog. I think I have enough to say on the teaching front, enough to share, enough happening in my life that it is worth of a blog. But I need a name. I want a fun, creative, interesting, memorable name for my teaching blog. One that I can keep for a long, long while and not feel like I outgrow it. I need your help. What do you think?

Although not completely finished, I've made a lot of headway on my classroom. The walls all have at least one coat of fresh paint, and many are on their way to two fresh coats. I'm excited about how it's going to look when it's all said and done, and really thankful that I have amazing parents, a really, really great friend, and a boyfriend who have spent hours willing to help me out. 

Gratefully blessed.

I need to take a moment to talk about the power of really good friends. I decided to take a break this week from my second job, and focus on my social life, and renewing my spirit by spending time with the really important people in my life as well as catching up with the ones I can't physically spend time with. I was feeling a strong need for the presence of the people who make my life better by just being a part of it, and I knew that unless I made a point of purposefully blocking time out in my life to do it- it would be something that I would continue to lack.

Let me say at the end of this week I am feeling refreshed, renewed and really really blessed. I indulged in an evening on a long walk with a friend solving all of lifes problems like girls tend to do, spent an evening with my Mom chatting about life, showing her my classroom and running some errands together, got to hang out with a friend who I haven't had much contact with in the past 5 months and caught up like we had never missed a beat, and spent an evening with the three greatest girls I have ever known- ones who know me in and out, know who I am, and love me just the way I am.

And my head hit the pillow last night feeling so dang lucky for all the people that God has placed in my life. I feel like a new person this morning. Less stressed about the things to come, ready to take on the world because I know I have an army of lovely human beings by my side who will literally and emotionally help me through every step of the way. How so gracious I am.

Speaking of great friends- my three lovely best friends somehow agreed to come help me tape-up my classroom last night to prepare it for paint. In the midst of the listening to music, laughing, chatting and taping the hours flew and the taping was finished pain-free. Really. Great. Friends. I'm sure that taping off a room wasn't their idea of the most fun thing to do, but they willingly joined me, and helped relieve a lot of stress by just getting that done. We also decided to delve into the edging of the bottom half of my room, so I currently have a really messy classroom in which 3/4 of the bottom of the walls are edged with paint. It looks interesting to say the least, but it got me really excited to see how paint is going to trasform the classroom and make it my own. I documented with some before photos of the room, and some during the edging process, and will contiue to document as it continues to change into a colorful center for learning! I'm feeling the need to start that teaching blog soon to document my classroom transformation- watch for it, it will be coming!

If you are a part of my life- even in the least of ways- I want to say thank you for filling my heart with joy and giving me a sense of peace knowing there are so many people in the world who send thoughts and prayers my way. Know that I, too, often think of you and say a thankful prayer.

Overwhelmed and Overjoyed

I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed at the thoughts of... well, life.

While trying to be prepared to create an amazing classroom for my students, I have spent hours on Pinterest finding elaborate classroom set-ups and ideas. I love Pinterest. It's such a wonderful way to share ideas about everything and I feel like I am continually saying "Wow, what would I have done had I not known about that". It's fabulous that idea's that used to just be kept to the uber-creative are now out there for everyone to adapt. At the same time, I have been feeling like it has slightly overwhelmed my life. I find myself looking at several classrooms, homes and lives and saying "I want to do that, have that, make that, be that." and I pin it...

As I have re-looked over my Pinterest board I have found this ideal life that I have created in my mind. Everybody's super-organized, super-creative, uber-cute ideas combined into this idealistic life that I want. The ideal home, the ideal classroom, the idea lesson plans, the ideal wedding, the ides parenting strategies, tips and tricks, ideal wardrobe. I want it all, I want to do it all, and be it all- and it makes me feel so overwhelmed. How in the world am I supposed to do that?

Sometimes I feel like life would be easier if we weren't bombarded with the technology and ease-of-access to everyone else's lives. Sometimes I feel like it just contributes to our idea that our life isn't as good, or as successful or as fun or as ideal as someone else's. And now you don't even have to know the person to see their greatness. You can sign onto the computer and you are subject to millions of people who have more, make more, can do more. It's a blessing and a curse.

Don't get me wrong. You won't find me giving up Pinterest anytime soon. I feel like it has definitely added a lot of wonderfulness to my life, but there are times when I feel as though I am so completely in over my head and could never possible create the perfect life that I have created via Pinterest boards.

Relational.

I read a really great article this morning called "50 Ways to Inspire Your Husband". Hold the comments- I'm aware that I don't have a husband, but this article was so informative that I decided it was a must save for my future life. What it really did, though, is make me think a lot about why we are here, what it takes to have successful relationships, and what our purpose in life is.

We are relational beings. Whether we're loners, have a select group of friends, or are social butterflies who make contact with everyone we meet- we need relation with other human beings. It's the way we were created, it's how we are wired.

We, however, have a choice about the type of relationship we are going to keep with each person we welcome into our lives. Are going to love them, hate them, use them, uplift them? What are we going to do with the people who are walking along side us in this life.

For me it is about being the best I can be for each of those people. At times, my best may not measure up, it may not come close to the intention that the relationship was created for, and it may just fail- but deep down in my heart I have a yearning desire to be the best- wife, mom, teacher, friend- I can possibly be. I find myself continually reading books and articles, watching other's relationships and adjusting my sail accordingly. I believe that I have been put on this earth not to make more difficult the walk of others, but to enhance their path. And if I can, to make the way a little more desirable for them.

And- after reading an article about the importance of a color scheme in a classroom (no more than 3 colors are recommended in a single classroom setting, who would have known?)- I've decided what I'm going to do with my classroom. Or at least I've finally got a basis for what I'm going to build the rest of my decor around... Drum roll please... Green, Purple and Yellow. After a lot of thinking and experimenting with different colors, I have decided that those three are the most gender neutral, they're fun but not cliche, they're still within the color wheel so they're not hard to find and I just really like the combo. I'm excited to start doing it up!

Summer is in full swing. Back to my summer nanny job. Fried already. Looking forward to concerts and barbecues and lakes country and sun and friends.

What matters?

Don't strive to make your presence noticed, just your absence felt.

In a world that tells us to work hard, and work harder. To be the best, and then be better. To be the prettiest, and the nicest, and the smartest and the greatest. A world that continually tells us if you just had this, or owned this, or made this you'd be successful. In a world that emphasizes that we must put 100% of our energy into 100% of our commitments 100% of the time, we find that we can never keep up, let alone live up. Expectations surround us. People need us, want us, use us, abuse us- and everyone we come in contact with thinks that we should be giving out all to them. In a world where technology allows us to be reached morning, noon and night. Where if we don't check our e-mail over the weekend, our inbox has 100 new e-mails, all of which are the most important e-mail. In today's continually-demanding society, we must strive for balance. We must have a set of priorities and values and pre-set boundaries so that we don't get sucked into the me, me, me society that says it isn't okay to be selfish and take care of ourselves. 

No matter where you look you'll find that money matters- looks matter- material possessions matter. And in your head you will believe it. How can't you believe it, the world has been raising you with that mentality. You'll wish you had more money, you'll wish you had more stuff, you'll wish you were prettier, or smarter, or had someone else's job, someone else's house, someone else's children, someone else's life. It'll happen.

It's a sad, sad story. But it's the story of our lives. 

Lately I've been making a conscious choice that what is going to be important in my life will not be measured by the standards of this world. My salary, my house, my car, my job, my children's success, my husbands success... It will not be measured by what this world says is successful, important, worthy.

I'm here for a purpose, and a reason, and my life story is exactly the way it's supposed to be. The most important components of my life- love, gratitude, generosity, empathy, patience, faithfulness, hard work- those cannot be measured by the standards set by this world.  But at the end of my life, they will be what matters most.

What will make your absence felt, not your presence noticed? Who will feel your absence, not what will feel your absence. Is your life demonstrating that? Is your life striving towards that?

I'm trusting God to shape my heart to be a person who doesn't conform to the standards and successes of this world.

Inspired.

I got to see a really, really good friend last night that I hadn't seen in far too long. We laughed, we chatted, we hugged, we screamed, we talked about our lives, but most importantly we just got to enjoy each others company. Something we hadn't done in a long time- and it was wonderful.

And it got me to thinking. Really great people inspire you to be really great. Being in their presence inspires you to live life a little more happy. To accept your circumstances, and your blessings and your curses and to laugh about them, take them head on, and tell yourself this is my life, my one and only, beautiful and crazy and messed up and wonderful life. This. Is. It.

And what an inspiration it is to be in the presence of someone who makes you feel like you really can take life head on, no matter what circumstances life throws at you. It's really great to have a friend, or multiple friends, who give you that sense- that perspective on life.

And while we're talking about being inspired. How about the Fargo Marathon this weekend. That event is just so wonderful. People of literally all shapes, sizes, ages and backgrounds come out, and they set their minds to doing something, and they do it. And sitting at the finish line watching those peoples' dreams become reality is truly inspiring. How wonderful it is to be a part of something like that. I went to the kids mile run on Thursday night, and there are children, small, young children who are literally giving it everything they have to make it to the finish line- bound and determined to just finish the race. And then Saturday, watching the thousands upon thousands of people who are doing the exact same thing, bound and determined to just finish the race. I love it.

On that note, thank you to everyone who came out to cheer for the runners. Let me tell you, it is YOU who make the differences. It is YOU who tip the scales between finishing the race, and finishing well. It means more than you could really ever understand (until you're on the course running, being inspired by those who are on the sidelines).

Between the race, and some really wonderful people who have given me some really wonderful conversations in the past few days... I have been inspired to "run with perseverance the race marked out for me" literally and metaphorically speaking.

Saying Goodbye.

Some people despise cats, some are indifferent about cats, some tolerate cats, some love cats and some are crazy cat people. I'd say that, prior to owning the coolest cat in the world, I would have fallen somewhere between tolerating them and loving them. That was before Hootie came along.

Hootie was continually doing that to people- moving them up that scale. People who despised cats fell in love with his friendliness, his cuddliness and his way of purring his way into your lap- and heart. Many times, as a family we have talked about how Hootie might think he is a dog himself- begging, coming when you call, waiting at the door with his tail wagging. I've never met another cat quite like him.

Although I wouldn't say I am a crazy cat lady, I'm crazy about this cat. He is a lover. It doesn't matter how many times you pick him up and put him off your lap, he's right back in it purring and looking at you for more petting. Hootie's a constant. He's predictable. You know he'll be waiting outside your shut bedroom door in the morning for some love. You know he'll be at your feet if you're gathered in the kitchen, and on your lap if you're gathered in the living room. He loves to be a part of the family, and a part of the family is exactly what he was.

So it was with extreme sadness in my heart that I left my house this morning and said my final, last goodbye to Hootie. I pet his soft fur, and heard him purr one last time. I held him in my hands and I told him "You're the best they ever come, buddy." and I meant it. I've never met a more personable cat. After 12 years of healthy life, he suddenly stopped eating on Saturday, threw up a couple times on Sunday, and at the vet on Monday they said his kidneys were failing and that he'd have to put down, today he will make his final journey in the car, and he'll live on in our hearts.

Pets become a part of our families. We fall in love with them, and they love us back- unconditionally, whole-heatedly and without fail. They don't let us down. They don't easily anger (at least Hootie didn't, he tolerated absolutely anything), and they excitedly anticipate our arrival, our cuddles and our attention.

I'm trying to keep it all in perspective- I know, afterall, that my family is healthy, my friends are healthy, and there are many, many people in worse off situations then my own. By I can't help brokenheartedly write about the memories of an unconditional best friend.

I love you Hootie. Thanks for being the best animal-friend a person could ever ask for.

Kids.

Remember the last post when I said that kids continually keep you laughing. Well, I couldn't have set myself up better, because today was one of those days. I laughed. I laughed hard. Multiple times. 

"Did you know we're starting to get poor again?"

"You are?"

"Yeah, we don't have hot dogs or whipped cream."

"We're going to get a dog someday when Riley learns how to not cry when it dies."

Oh what a joy it is.

All things teacher.

Lately I've been obsessing over all things teacher. From classroom signs, to organizational binders, to lesson ideas- pinterest, blogs and the internet in general has gotten the best of me. It's been so much fun to begin looking for a particular grade, and to visualize my classroom when I know what the actual space will look like. Of course, I've got visions of a place so wonderful it would only happen on a movie set, but I'll do what I can. It's still hard to believe that I get my very own classroom and set of kiddos- and looking at the standards gives me an overwhelming sense of excitement about the knowledge I get to instill in these youngsters. Through my teacher-obsession I've learned three things 1.) There is an abundance of information that 3rd graders need to learn-eeeek! 2.) There are tons of teachers out there who are incredibly creative, but teaching takes an incredible amount of organization (this is coming from the anally-organized person I am) 3.) You could spend SO MUCH money on teaching. I am convinced that it would be so easy to spend more than you make on teaching. Yikes. I better be careful.

I'm trying not to stress too much already about the upcoming school year, I don't need to be an uber-stressed out human being for 3 months before school starts...

I'm going to attempt to make a teaching blog once the year begins. I know I'll be so busy that it may be impossible to keep it up, but watch for it this fall. I'm excited to share my adventures with all of you. I also made a classroom website for my parents and teacher- it'll be fun to see how that evolves throughout my career as well.

I've been having a lot of fun at my job lately. The girls have really warmed up to me, and I've started to love being a part of their lives. It's crazy how children just have a way of inching their way into your heart- and these three have certainly done that. I spend a lot of my day running around, picking up, but most importantly laughing. It's a lot of fun. Children are truly a joy- it's hard to be around them and not laugh.

I've had such a sociable week this week- and it's been really good therapy for the heart. Seeing friends, having good chats and catching up on other people's lives give me a great feeling that I am not alone in this life. How wonderful is that?

Miss. Henne

Well, here I am, back in Bozeman Montana. It's beautiful here. I forget just how amazing it really is, until I point my car west and take in all the sites, the beauty of the snow-topped mountains, the green rolling foothills that continue on forever, the quaint downtown life, the bustling people walking, biking, running and enjoying the sun and the views. This town is wonderful. But it's not home. And, I am always torn when coming here about where I really want to be. Could I take all the character of this town, combine it with all the family, friends and jobs of Moorhead, and live in that place?

Tomorrow I will walk across the stage. I will officially become a college graduate. Earlier this week I received my degree in the mail "Amber Anne Henne, Bachelor of Science". It's all becoming official, life is becoming officially official. In one week I accepted a teaching job, received my diploma, and will walk across the stage to commence my life as a college student. It's all so exciting, it happened so fast, and I feel incredibly blessed that everything worked the way it did.

And I'm SO excited to be a third grade teacher. Miss Henne, I love the sound of it. I have been staying up late just thinking and preparing and dreaming about my classroom, students and lessons for next year. It feels so good to actually have a plan for my career future, and I feel so much less anxiety when I think about teaching. Here comes way too much anal organization, color-coding, classroom decor, planning, crafting and creating a wonderful learning environment!

He does have a plan for our lives. I'm seeing prayers answered, plans fall into place, and life taking shape- maybe not all on my time, but on His time, the best time.

Romantic

Adele Pandora station. Scrabble. A walk in the rain witnessing a double rainbow. Cooking a pesto cavatapi meal. A glass of wine. Lindo truffle. My boy. Life could pause in this moment and I wouldn't be mad- although that's not entirely true because a lot of pieces of my life are spiking the desire for my life to move forward. SURPRISE.


Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe. And have faith that everything will work out for the best.

Life's Paths

I often look back and think how did I get to where I am today.  There are times in my life when I just stop and say to myself so many roads, so many people, so many decisions have brought me to this place in my life. And I'm writing my book daily.  Although the current chapter may not be the most exciting chapter in my book called life, it is an essential part of the plot, and will be my vehicle to another plot-determining page.

I am a count-down girl. I count down the days, the hours, the minutes to everything. Whether it is a big life-event or a small piece of my daily life I am continually counting down. When will I be off work. When will this run be over. When will I get to go to bed. and the biggest count-down as of late How many days until I get to see Rob. Sometimes I feel like my life is a continual countdown- and it is only during my weekends spent really enjoying my life that instead of counting-down I just live in the moment. I fill my days with activities to pass the time, to make my count-down go faster, until of course the event happens and I want to freeze time to enjoy the moment forever. And then I start all over. I have frequently told myself lately that I will be so grateful and happy when I am living my life with the one I love, waking up and going to work each morning, knowing what I will be doing, and having the chance to enjoy my everyday. But what about today? What about these years I am currently living. They are crucial pieces of my life- and to just drift through would be a waste of the precious time I have on this earth. Although I know that I will thoroughly enjoy my life when I have the chance to do that- I know I must also take the opportunity to enjoy my not-so-ideal life "as is" right now.

I have been spending a great deal of time in the past couple weeks applying for teaching jobs. Answering questions. Filling out applications. Perfecting my resume. Writing cover letters. And doing it all over again district after district. I spend hours trying to figure out how to best present myself on a piece of paper- to make myself stand out among hundreds of people using a few short words. And as I submit each application, along with a sense of relief that it is finally done comes a huge feeling of fear. "What if I don't get a job, what if I have to sub for years, it's a huge shot in the dark to be 1 applicant in 800, how will I ever "get my foot in the door" when thousands of other people are trying too. It's terrifying.

For a person with a completely filled out planner, daily events, monthly events and yearly events in color coded coordination- my life feels a little chaotic, and completely out of my control. I don't know where I will be next year, I don't know what I will be doing, I don't know how long Rob and I will be doing long distance, I don't know when I'll get married- or if (although I hope that's not the case), I don't know how long I'll call Moorhead home- and more importantly how long I'll call Mom and Dad's home. It feels out-of-control at times. Yet I continually remind myself that out-of-control is good. And that I don't need to have all the knowledge of my future, maybe its God's way of telling me that I need to just let go and trust him.

In just a few short weeks I will be returning to Montana State University to walk across the stage and receive my diploma. It will symbolically represent the end of an era, and the beginning of yet another. I will accept that piece of paper that will determine the rest of my life. And I will be proud knowing I worked hard for it.  And then I will come back to Moorhead and I will continue to work hard in hopes that- whatever God may have in store for me- will be accomplished.

And my current obsessions: Mint Sorbet Nail Polish and Shutterfly's wonderful giveaways.

Thank You!

How wonderful it is to feel an abundance of love from so many people. My birthday was a huge success! So many people went out of their way to make me feel special- what a blessing. I also got to enjoy my evening at the amazing Tuscana restaurant with my aunt, my parents, Rob's parents and Rob, and finished the night with some free Tutti Frutti ice cream.

Thank you for taking the time to send birthday wishes my way!

I can tell that we are going to be friends...

After a week of some quality conversations with friends- I'm reflecting on how blessed I am to have so many wonderful human beings in my life. People who are genuinely friends- kind, caring, loving individuals who have the best interest of others in mind when they make decisions in their lives. Completely unselfish women and men who I am certain would be there at the drop of a hat if I ever needed them. And I am blessed. I leaves me almost speechless to think about how truly lucky I am. Many people in this world don't have a single soul they know they could count on. If something went terribly awry in their lives, if their worlds crumbled from underneath them, and they hit rock bottom- they wouldn't have one single person to turn to, and I am blessed with not one but many.

These kinds of friendships are what keep my world in motion. To me, there is nothing greater, nothing more important than a relationship with another human being- after all, what else will we leave when we leave this earth but the love we have given to others?

On this eve of my birthday- I want to say Thank You, actually, I want to say more than "thank you" because my gratitude is beyond words, to all the people in my life who have blessed me with their love. It truly is the best gift I never asked for, but so graciously received.

I love my life because of the ones in it.

 
Thanks to social media I have been thinking a lot lately about what makes a friend and the people who are brought into your life.  There are so many people that I feel like I know simply because I am a part of their lives on 1 or 2 or 3 different social media sites. I know what is going on in their lives, I know what they like, I know what they enjoy doing, and how they spend their time, I know their thoughts. And that sounds really creepy, which, I suppose it kind of is- but that's what social media is these days. We let people into our lives on a different level. However, through this feeling I have experienced of relating to people whom I have previously had little insight to their lives, their thoughts and their hobbies, I have felt more and more like I would love to be friends with so many people I barely know.

Call me strange, but that's just the way it is.

Sending lots of love tonight to so many people who have walked a step (or a few million steps) of my life with me.

I've Got Things to Do Before I Die

I was inspired last night by a friend to re-read and update my bucket list. Below you will find some important to-do's on my on-going, ever-changing life to-do list:


- My number one goal in all of these is that I have a photograph from the event while it is being checked off my list.


- See the Olympics live
- Change someone's life for the better
- Write a book, get it published
- Paint all the walls in a room, full of quotes
- Have a picnic at the top of a mountain and spend lots of time just taking in the view
- Have children and raise a family
- Run a marathon
- Learn how to dance
- Be genuinely surprised
- Have the wedding of my dreams
- Be someone's role model
- Drive completely across the country, or totally down the east or west coast
- See the world:
   --Seattle
   --New York
   --Boston
   --Portland
   --Carolinas
   --Ireland
   --Greece
   --London
   --Italian Countryside
   --Santa Lucia
   --Australia
   --Switzerland
   --Scotland
   --Washington DC
   --Chicago 

- Live in the mountains
- Be in the background of a movie
- See a waterfall

- Spend a week relaxing on the beach with good girlfriends

- Spend a week relaxing on the beach with my love

- Go skydiving
- Hike up a mountain
- Sleep under the stars, no tent or anything
- Write a heartfelt letter to everyone I love
- Be in a wedding
- Write my own vows
- Have a job that I absolutely love going to every single day
- Leave a legacy on the world somehow
- See Paris
- Spend a week camping with no technology, only people.
- Send someone flowers for no reason
- Give my parents something in return for their unfailing love
- Make a scrapbook with a story, full of black and white pictures
- Witness a proposal
- Watch the sun rise or set on the ocean
- Spend a whole night dancing
- Crochet a blanket
- Learn how to quilt
- Learn how to say "I love you" in 15 different languages
- See Italy
- Cry tears of joy
- See a broadway play
- Marry my best friend
- Sleep in a hammock
- Spend a whole day in bed with someone from sun up to sun down
- Ride a train
- Eat a large Dairy Queen Blizzard all by myself
- Dance in the rain
- Dance under the stars
- Dance in the kitchen
- Have a mud fight
- Go to a drive in movie
- Sit in an airport for a day and watch people reunite
- Have a 'movie like' reunion with someone
- Visit Niagra Falls
- Own a house
- Learn how to play the guitar
- Read the bible from cover to cover
- Miss someone so much it hurts
- Drive all night long
- Write a song
- Work at a coffee shop
- Be someone's God mother
- Successfully journal every day for a year
-Take a photo every day for year
- Live on nothing but love
- Help someone in desperate need
- Get/give 8 hugs a day for a week
              -A month
              -A year

- Plan a wedding for somebody

- Feel confident about my creativity and use it for the benefit of others (Photography, projects, organization, etc.)

Passionate

If you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life.


It's like a ton of bricks hit me. A quote I have heard a thousand times. I believe that people began spewing this advice into my ears the minute I had my future in my hands and had to "make a decision" about what to do with it.

I often wonder why, at age 18- when we are as freshly adults as a 1 day old baby is out of the womb- we are asked to make a decision about what we want to do for the rest of our lives. Heck, within a year we are supposed to decide a college and declare a major, and from that moment on we are married to the chosen profession. My freshman year was filled with so much change I oftentimes wonder how I survived. My freshman year of college could have gone down in the books as a year of learning, without me ever stepping foot into a classroom. I learned more about life in that year than I ever knew existed prior to that year. Yet- in that same year of change I was expected to decide what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. And decide I did... It was exactly 10 days into second semester, something to the likes of January 17th. I was fresh off of a wonderful, fun-filled, desperately needed Christmas break. I was in star-crossed like with a boy living 900 miles away, freshly off of a break-up with another boy I had been dating for 4 years (I know, I know, I am still convinced God works in the most mysterious ways.), figuring out how to cope with the loss of a friend, and in a physical location that was uncomfortable and as much like home to me as the amazon is to polar bears. I was in an incredibly tender spot in my life, 18 years old, and trying to figure it all out. All of this when I get an e-mail from my adviser telling me that I must, within 7 days, declare my major so that I can register for classes the following semester.

The most delicate time of my life and I have seven days to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life. So I bundle up, tromp through the snow to her office, and think to myself I've always liked kids, and I have wanted to be a teacher since I was a little lad myself, so I guess I'll declare an elementary education major. And that was it. I walked into her office and said... I guess I want to be a teacher. And she said, alright we'll get you registered for some elementary education classes. And I was on my way. That was it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I don't want to be a teacher, or that teachers aren't incredibly important individuals. I am frequently told that I am going to make a great teacher, and there are days when I can't wait to have a classroom of my own and have that sort of influence on children that will allow them to be successful individuals in society, but I have always felt slightly jealous of those people who have had majors they were incredibly passionate about. The people in my life who desire to spend all of their waking hours working on their semester projects, and love every moment of it.

Last year, during a heart-to-heart conversation with Rob he asked me a question that really hit hard and has stuck with me ever since. He said "Amber, what are you passionate about? What in life fills you with pure joy, and truly inspires you?" I just stared at him..."....umm... I don't know. I really like to do arts and crafts, and color, and take pictures. I really love relationships, weddings, and spending time with people. But I don't know what my passion is..."  I could tell you that Rob lives and breathes skiing. He absolutely loves skiing, and is at a place of complete inner peace when he is on his skis. He also is incredibly passionate about architecture. He loves looking at pictures of different architectural designs, working on his own architectural designs and dreaming up ideas related to architecture. Those two things are what drive his life, he is incredibly passionate about both of them. But what is my passion? When do I feel the most joy in life? The only answer I have come up with is when I am with people that I love, but I can't make a career out of loving. So I continue to search...

And for now I'm putting my trust in God knowing that He has a wonderful, beautifully crafted plan for my life. And if I trust Him and follow Him my life will turn out quite okay!

Homesick

When I was young I used to hear the word homesick and think: somebody misses their house. They miss their bed. Their sheets. Their pillows. Their own space. And in some instances, I may have been correct. But, looking back now and knowing what I know, more often then not I bet it wasn't physical objects at all that they missed. I bet they missed the people and the feelings and the comfort of their own home. The love that Mom and Dad gave them before they crawled into bed, the happiness they felt when they got to sit around the dinner table with each of their family members, laughing until their faces hurt with their siblings.

As I've grown up, I've become more and more convinced that people can be miserably homesick in the place they call their physical home. And, in my case, that people can become homesick for a place that has no physical location at all- homesick for a feeling.

Lately I have been really missing Bozeman. Not the cold, small, lonely one-bedroom apartment I called my home when I lived there, but the feelings and happiness experienced during that season of my life. I find myself longing for things that, at the time were just day-to-day experiences. Trips to Costco, coffee at Homepage, a walk to campus through the snow. I find myself longing for a walk on Pete's hill, a trip to Kegy corner and a good service at Jouney Church. My heart deeply longs for the Christmas stroll, the late nights at Cheever hall and the fifth-night-in-a-row ham sandwiches with barbecue sauce and ketchup and a bowl of tomato soup. I'm keenly aware that if I were to return to Bozeman this wouldn't be what my life would look like anymore, yet I desire the experiences I endured during those times- homesick for a feeling.

"Enjoy the little things, because one day you will look back and realize they were the big things." There has never been a more truer statement for my current life situation than this one.n

The concept of home is where your heart is has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I've begun to experience the love of detestable places (Grand Forks, North Dakota) because my heart is most happy in that place. And I've learned that true happiness is achieved when we are not longing to be anywhere else but in the moment we are living. If we are longing for something, someone, or an experience- our hearts are not truly happy and we aren't home.  If we are drifting through life unhappy in our circumstances, not extracting joy from anything we are doing, then nowhere and nothing feels like home. You can end up in your comfortable, cozy, warm bed at night- but you don't feel home.

So I've been homesick. And I'm not sure for what, and I'm not sure for where, but my heart has felt homesick. Homesick for a feeling, for a new experience, homesick for my heart to be happy. Sometimes we just go through seasons of our lives where this is the case, and I'm experiencing a season...

Directions to paradise.

I have spent my entire life loving analogies. I love when they are used to explain something to me that I can't quite grasp, and I frequently use them myself when trying to explain things to others. For some reason I have this idea that if you use something that a person can relate to, and you make an analogy for them, they will be able to better understand what you are trying to tell them and in the end, you will be able to better communicate with them. Sometimes it may be effective, while other times it might be a stretch that is way too out-there to ever really understand, but either way I continue using them.

If you talk to Rob he will second that somehow I have a way of making everything in life about architecture, skiing or careers- in my defense, its my way of relating to him and trying to get him to understand the mysteries of we who are known as women. Many times, a discussion in our relationship has quickly turned to "picture this: Bridger Bowl gets 16 inches of snow overnight, and you are so pumped to get in the slopes. You get to the resort and hop on the ski lift only to find out that..." 

Although I frequently get a confused look, I am often proud of how I have found a way to communicate in his language, and we usually come to an agreement that, yes- it does actually catch his attention after-all.

So with the obsessive usage of analogies in my life, you can imagine quite how moved I was this morning driving to work when I heard an analogy that hit home for me. Following in close second behind myself, pastors  tend to use this same communication method to hit home about Jesus, God, The Bible or other points that they believe are relevant to the many Christians they are trying to reach. Not all analogies I've heard in the church have been incredibly moving, but there are times where one stops me in my tracks and I can say "Yeah, I can relate to that... WOW!" This morning was one of them:

In this day-in-age nearly everyone has had some sort of experience with a GPS. You punch in where you want to go, it figures out where you are, and calculates the best route to get there. It prompts you with directions telling you when to turn, where to turn and-if you have the most recent version- when you are going too fast. The GPS has one mission, to get you to your destination. Never does it falter, it is always steadily guiding you. And if, by mistake or by your own choosing, you take a wrong turn, it simply recalculates another route you can take to reach the same desired destination. God is much like a GPS. His desired destination for all of his children is eternity with him. He wants us to have a personal relationship with him, to call him daddy, to talk to him daily. When we decide to live by his direction, he plans a route for us from right where we are at to reach his desired destination. He patiently, calmly and gently prompts us along this route- and if we make a wrong turn, he simply re-calculates, planning for us a new route to reach the same desired destination. 

How beautiful. We have a GPS for our lives if we choose to turn It on and listen to It.

Whether analogies are your thing or, like my boyfriend, you are entirely analogied-out, it is easy to see the beauty in this perfectly painted picture. We are never wandering without direction in our life to an unknown destination. We have a compass, and a guide and the most beautiful destination possible. 

Life is fragile.

Usually facebook creeping reduces me to nothing good. Today, however, it has brought me to a place of sorrow, sympathy and gratitude for all I have. We often forget the pure frailness of life. Our lungs move up and down, out hearts beat and we continue on with our daily routine frequently forgetting that we aren't promised another breath, or another pump of our hearts. As I read about the four young girls who tragically died on their commute back to NDSU from their homes, my heart sinks at the loss of their families, their friends, their significant others and all other whose lives they have touched in some capacity. They were in the prime of their lives, the time when living and laughing and being full of life is often taken for granted and never thought twice about. More so, they were traveling a route they probably traveled hundreds of times, yet one moment became the difference between life and death for them.

Unfortunately, I can empathize with their friends. Losing someone you love at such a young age is a tragic, mind-blowing,out of body, unrealistic reality.  It hits you like a ton of bricks and keeps hitting you until you feel numb to the world long enough to heal. And in the horrible days that follow the tragedy you don't know how you will heal, or if you will heal. And in a sense, you never really do heal. You have a scar that is permanent, only this scar is not visual- its a scar deep in the depths of your heart and soul, one that will sting at the goofiest of times, taking your breath away and leaving you to think differently about life in that very moment. 

I didn't know these girls, yet each tragedy involving the death of young leads my heart back to the place of sorrow that I felt so many years ago as I dealt with losing a friend myself. And I often wonder: Do their friends and family have a support system? Will they give themselves time to heal? And can they trust in God to be their solid rock and foundation even when their world is crumbling around them.  I can only hope and pray that a resounding YES is the answer to each of these questions. 

As I read the comments on the walls of these girls, I want to hold my loved ones a little closer, shower them with love and tell them how much they mean to me. I want to give that extra hug, and say that extra "I love you." 

God works in the most mysterious of ways, but God also has a plan. Life is fragile, but life is beautiful. Take the time to see the beauty in this fragile life.

On my mind.

I'm sitting in Starbucks, and there is something about coffee shops that always get my brain moving. I just love coffee shops. I love coffee. Caffeine helps too. And as my brain races I realize that instead of a post about a single thing, there have been several things on my mind. Read as you will...

My current thoughts, as of late:

>I'm finally feeling the need to invest in an i-phone. I promised myself I would never give into that trend, but they can just do far too many things that my Samsung brick-phone of the 19th century cannot do. Too bad I just renewed my 2 year contract last summer. Looks like I will be a part of the "dumb phone" era for awhile.

>For far too long I have heard the health benefits of drinking green tea, and have refused the thought of drinking something that I can't stand the smell of. I finally gave in and had myself a cup of green tea, and much to my surprise I didn't mind it at all. I think it might grow on me, and I may become a green tea drinker. P.S. It also helped when I learned it contained caffeine just like my daily coffee fix.

>Recently I have been bound and determined to begin to research more antioxidant packed food, and start consuming it. In this world that is full of disease and pain and suffering, I want to do all I can for my body to combat those terrible, horrible, evil words that doctors far-too-often have to give families.

>I have watched 4, F.O.U.R movies in the past two weeks that have made me absolutely break down and bawl like a baby through pretty much the entirety of the movie. I'd like to inform you that I am not usually a sap when it comes to movies and it is not frequently that I find myself shedding tears at them. These movies however have literally left me feeling like my best friend just died. Although the movies were overall good movies, the feeling was not a fun feeling - I'm up for a feel good, happy, laugh-hard, warm and fuzzy movie in the near future.

>Painting my nails lately has left me feeling festive, sophisticated and happy. It's funny how such a simple thing can make you feel so wonderful.

>Had a really good talk with a wonderful friend the other day. One who lives hundreds and hundreds of miles away. One I haven't seen since last December (yes, over a year ago), yet still feel like I can share my whole heart and soul with. Friendships like this are so special. I always feel refreshed and ready to take on the world and conquer my dreams after talking to this girl- a good conversation with many of my friends leaves me feeling this way. It's a pretty amazing blessing.

>Wouldn't it be nice if my entire closet could be transformed into my Pintrest "Outfit" board? Confidence comes from feeling good from the outside, in. Clothes make a world of difference. One of these days I'm going to have to go on a shopping spree from some of those adorable creations and make them my own.

>One of the best feelings in the world is feeling right at home, comfortable and free to be yourself. I experienced that last night when I sat and hung out with Rob's parents for over an hour. It felt so good to catch up on the happenings of their lives and to just converse about the everyday ins-and-outs of life in general. I will be so lucky to marry into that family one day, they are incredible people.

>Gas. The price of gas freaks me out. And I find it funny because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It is something that is completely out of my control, yet I cringe at the thought of it reaching 5 dollars a gallon this summer. Maybe someday I'll be able to just look at the prices and say It is what it is, I can't control it, so I might as well just deal with it. For now, however, I feel a pang of anxiety when I see the prices creeping up and up.

>Revealed to my parents on Thursday night my dream job of all dream jobs and filled them in on my entire life plan which is centered around this dream. Surprisingly, they they didn't laugh at me, or even lead on that they thought it was entirely ridiculous. Maybe there is still hope for my undetermined future.

>I'm on the cusp of doing something really incredibly difficult on the job front.It's on of those things you have to build up to and brace yourself for and I'm losing sleep over it. Prayers for strength and reassurance and a smooth road would be greatly appreciated.

>It's not new, but it's still relevant. I have a strong desire to travel. I just want to go somewhere. People all around me are taking trips, warm-weathered, tropical, beach excursions and I'm wishing I could do the same. Very soon I will be heading west to reunite with Bozeman, great friends and the slopes. I think that'll help my travel cravings a bit. But I'd also love to get warm and explore new things and places.

>I went for my first outdoor run in months the other night. Although my body didn't feel great, it felt so wonderful to be outside and running again. It's been far too long since I've had the chance to breathe fresh air and see a change of scenery as I've gotten my workout. Treadmills have never been my friend, but between the short days, the cold weather and my long hours at work they had been my only choice. I need to sign up for a race so I can motivate myself to get out even more often then I have been lately. Fargo 10k? Maybe.


As always, take a minute today to look around you- wherever you are- and see the beauty that surrounds us.

Celebrate Love

This may come late- but for love, there is never really a late. Although we are given a specific day to celebrate love, it is in the everyday in's and out's of life where we can stop and celebrate the people we hold so dear. During those moments when flowers aren't expected, but show up anyways. Or when receiving a letter in the mail isn't even a thought on our mind when one appears from a friend. It's those moments where we are living out our mundane, repetitious life- making dinner in the kitchen when someone gives us a huge hug from behind and says "I love you." Those are the moments our hearts swell and we can stop and thank God for the love that surrounds us in our lives.

But Valentines Day, I'm not a cynic of it at all. In fact, any day that allows us to stop and be thankful for the blessing of love in our life is a great day in my book. And anybody who knows me knows that I love the romance and hype that comes with Valentines Day, after-all, if you catch me on the right day I may even tell you that Valentines Day is my favorite holiday. I think there is something truly special about a a day that allows a Dad to take the extra time to hold his daughter close and give her another I Love You, maybe one that is overdue. Or causes a husband to take a detour from his route home from work to purchase an all to over-used Hallmark card, but thoughtful just the same for his wife who may have forgotten over the past year how much he truly does value her. And even for all those single people on Valentines Day, there is plenty of love that has blessed the lives of each and every one of us- a parents love, a grandparents love, a siblings love, the love of a relative, best friend, acquaintance, employer, or-best of all- the love of our heavenly Father, the one who made us and loves us exactly for who we are.

So behind all that Hallmark, consumerism, expectations that is Valentines Day- don't ever forget that there is something truly beautiful about our beating hearts and their desire to be wholly loved.

I'm looking forward to a postponed Valentines Day celebration with Rob this weekend and excited that we are planning a weekend to celebrate our love and all the victories it has  that have come with it.

Growing Pains.

Originally I wanted to create a three word post. One that I thought might sum up exactly how I was feeling, and leave it at that- and this is what it was going to say:

GROWING. UP. SUCKS.

But then I found a problem with that three-word simple post. I realized that there are pieces of me that strongly want to grow up, want a home and a husband and all that comes with those things. So I decided to elaborate...

As I come off of an absolutely fabulous weekend and into an incredibly difficult case of the Monday's, I have to stop and ask myself "How can I go from one extreme to the other?" and more importantly "Why."

Everything about this weekend was so incredible. From spending time with newly-made friends to laying in bed for far too long on Saturday morning to shopping at Menards (yes, I know I never thought I'd say it either), I was constantly smiling, continually laughing and frequently thinking to myself I wish this never had to end. Yet,  such is life that each weekend must come to an end- and mine did too, leaving me with a horrible feeling of bleh in my body. I'm currently trying to figure out how to combat the extreme sadness I feel at the commencement of every weekend- after-all, it can't be healthy to have a heavy heart and feel on the brink of tears beginning each week. I wonder to myself, how could I stop these Monday blues from creeping up on me so strongly each Monday morning and I cringe at how pathetic I sound.

In life you have to work for a living. You have to have a source of income that exceeds your spending (bills, rent, food, entertainment, travel, desires...). You have to have something that somebody else wants, whether it be a good, a service, or whatever else might generate a paycheck. Somebody has to take money out of their pocket and put it in your pocket for life to keep on keeping on the way we live. And I understand that. I'm not naive to the idea of work, nor am I oppose to it- I just hate the Sunday morning "I have to get up and go to work tomorrow and I'm dreading it" feeling. Yet everyday the world spins, the clock moves and people get out of bed at go to work- day, after day, after day, after day...

So maybe I have yet to be involved in something that draws me out of bed in the morning eager to get going.  Or maybe I have a lack of motivation to get through my day because what welcomes me at the end of it isn't what I desire. Or maybe, I have too little to look forward to (dinner with a special someone, a game, some relaxing by the t.v, bed). Or maybe my case is a combination of all of these things.

Whatever the case may be, I am now- after 23 years of life- finally figuring out why people stress the importance of finding meaning and passion in your work, and someone to fall into the arms of at night. Or at least a strong dose of one of those, if not both.

So as it stands, my life circumstances may not be the epitome of a desirable, wonderful, fairy-tale life for me. They may cause hard goodbyes and extreme cases of happiness-hangovers and Monday blues. But, maybe growing up actually doesn't suck, maybe growing up is a beautiful part of life that just comes with a whole lot of growing pains.

Exhausted.

Exhausted.


That is probably all I would really need to say to describe my life right now. I'm exhausted. Children are a blessing from God. They're beautiful, and wonderful and amazing creatures who are learning and discovering and growing every single minute. But in all of their glory anyone who has ever spent a significant time with kids knows they are incredibly, incredibly exhausting.

This weekend consisted of a late night on Friday night, skating for 2 hours on Saturday, swimming for 2 hours on Saturday, hockey practice (more about that coming soon), a birthday party and lots of playing. All of these things, although exciting and fun, left them very worn out- and me very worn out. I have a new-found respect for parents that comes from a first-hand experience of living it out. It's wonderfully exhausting.

I got to be a hockey mom for the first time in my life. Pads, skates, jersey, smelly-locker room, cold-rink and all. I felt slightly out of my element alongside many hard-core hockey Dads but I survived an experience I believe every Moorheadian should partake in!

I got my Montana teaching license in the mail! I am finally an official licensed teacher. I'm legit. It's real. I guess that means I have to start applying for jobs now (I'm actually really excited, it's just an incredibly daunting task) and am hoping that my North Dakota license (the one I actually am going to use) is shortly behind it.

And my favorite thing about this weekend: I discovered that my boyfriend is going to be the best daddy someday...

The life and times of a full time Mom...

Today begins my journey on an eight day quest of being a full time mommy. Not just 8am-5pm. Nope. Round-the-clock. Feed, bathe, play, read put-to-bed, wake-up, get to school and everything in between Mom. Over the course of these next 8 days I'm going to share the joys, the hardships and the laughs of being thrown into full-time motherhood!

Tonight Mr.Evan and Lexi said goodbye to their Mom and Dad and saw them off on a week long vacation. They are such incredibly amazing little ones. Both of them held it together so well, said goodbye and transitioned easily into "Amber-mom". Lexi shed a couple of tears and talked about missing Mom and Dad, but quickly rebounded into her normal, happy self. For a seven and a five year old that is truly phenomenal!

I know being a parent is thee hardest job you could ever bargin for. It's full-time. It comes without vacation, without sick days, without time off. The day is filled with coaching little ones on how to be the best, do their best and live life every step of the way. And at the end of the day when they are in bed there are messes to clean, laundry to do, dishes to wash, and needs of your own to tend to- like maybe taking a bathroom break for the first time in 10 hours. It's exhausting to say the least (and at least my full-time parent duty ends in a week). But with that comes so many laughs, so many smiles and so many heart-warming discoveries.

Day One: Lexi makes me a pink-heart stick note that says "Amber loves Rbby". Then she hands it to me and says "Amber loves Robby, Amber loves Robby" and looks at me with a big heart-warming grin. I smile in return. Then she turns off her goofy face and nestles in next to me "Do you really love Robby?" She asks "Because you DO kiss him." (How she knows that I kiss him is still a mystery to me). None-the-less I respond "I do love him, yep!" She smiles, bigger now. "Well, Mom and Dad love each other, and they kiss, but they are married... Why aren't you married." The inevitable question. It's been popped a lot lately by little ones who don't quite understand dynamics. I respond "Well, because the boy asks the question, and to be able to ask the question it takes a lot of thinking and money."... "Oh." She replys, and runs off to play (Or so I think).  A while later I'm playing with Evan and Lexi comes and curls back up in my lap- Only this time she has something in her hand. "What's in your hand" I ask her, innocently curious about what she is so proud of.  "Well, I want to give my money to Rob so he can marry you she says as she holds out a handful of cash."

The heart of children. It's worth every exhausting moment they've ever brought me.

Today I'm feeling incredibly organized and crafty.

I want a house that looks like this.

And a child's room that looks like this (someday).

And a bathroom that looks like this.

And an entry way that looks like this...

Or this.

And a craft room that looks like this.

And a laundry room that includes this.

This wouldn't be so bad either (Minus the fact that I do not own that many pair of shoes)

I told you "organized" was the mood I'm in. I would do anything to own an apartment (or house) to implement these ideas in- although you wouldn't know it from the state my bedroom is in. It's awful. Part of that is that there is too too too much stuff in such a small area, the other part is that I just do not have the time to clean it and get it looking nice. Maybe my life would be the same if I owned a house. I like to think that wouldn't be the case though.

Growing-up?

The daunting  task of applying for real-life, grown-up, you-studied-this-in-school-for-years jobs is now upon me. It's not only nerve wracking, scary or frightening it is downright terrifying. At least I'm thinking so as of late. Finally, 600 dollars, lots and lots of hours and months later I have completed all the necessary requirements needed to apply for a North Dakota teaching license. I sent off all the information in a packet this morning, and am patiently waiting to hear the wonderful news that I am a licensed teacher!

But- along with becoming licensed I also get the humongous task of searching, and searching and searching for jobs. Jobs that nearly 600 people apply for. Most of which never even get interviews, and dozens of people are interviewed for, most of which never actually get the job.

But a girl's gotta work, so I have to have faith. And faith I will have.

In addition to the job search, I have not been enjoying the many hours spent apart from my boyfriend while he is away for the week. If I didn't want to be a wife before, sleep next to him at night and wake up to him in the morning, I certainly do now. (We all know I wanted more than anything to be a wife before, so I guess I can only say you can about imagine where that leaves me now) But, I am trusting in God that he has a plan, and I will purge onward on all fronts- job, boyfriend and life.

Mixed emotions...

Question of the day (Or questions of the day).

-How can I be so excited about my future, yet so terrified about it at the same time?

-Why do I have a college degree yet feel like I do not actually know what I want to do with my life?

-How did December seem to be 2 days long and January seems to be 300?

-Why do I have such a burning desire to "start" my life when I should just know that this is my life?

-Why does my heart feel so discontent with my current life situation, and better-yet how do I fix that feeling?

-Why do I continually feel like I would absolutely love an office job where I sit at a desk and do something all day?

-How can I feel so physically exaushted when I have literally not worked out in weeks?


I need to find something that makes my heart stop stirring, and makes me feel consumed with happiness. I'll let you know when I do.

Great Expectations.

Expectations.
The world is full of them. Jam. Packed. Full. Everyone has them. They have expectations for themselves, expectations for their children, their parents, their significant others, their friends, and the grocer who is bagging their food. We are constantly placed under expectations, from the moment we leave the womb until the time we die (give or take maybe a couple of years at the beginning and end of our lives). But expectations are hard. They are hard to have and they are hard to live up to.

We are in constant danger of letting ourselves down, letting others down, or being let down by others all because this one simple, yet complicated idea of desiring for others to act a certain way. Yet, as the world turns, they are an inevitable fact of life.

I'm trying to learn, as I grow older (and I can only hope a tad-bit wiser) how to stop myself from making expectations for other people. Or in the very least, how to give people the benefit of the doubt and some wiggle room when they don't meet my expectations. And it has been a hard road, and I suspect it will be a hard road for the rest of my life as I try to let-go of what I hope others might be, do or say. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect people to dote on my every need, or meet my every desire- but I often have high hopes for people. I often believe people will perform up to the highest level of ability, pull through on each task at hand and do exactly the right thing at the right time. This, however, is taking steak in the fact that my expectations for these people are exactly what their expectations are for themselves- a horrifically false and disappointing belief.

Some parents don't care if their children are spoiled- they call it dearly loved. Some teachers don't care if you have a life outside of school, or if you have 4 hours of reading in every class- they call it doing their job. Some children don't care if you want them to complete a task- they have their own task in mind. Some cashiers aren't doing their job to make their day better- they are doing it to put money in their pockets. So to believe that what we expect out of people is going to be what they deliver set's us up for utter failure.

Yet how do we cope with this failure day-in and day-out. How do we live with the fact that our parameters don't match up with the parameters others have set, yet still live a happy and fulfilling life.  I'm still figuring that one out... It's an uphill battle we call life- and if I ever do come across a viable solution, I'd be happy to share it with the many, many others in this world who are searching as well.