Homesick

When I was young I used to hear the word homesick and think: somebody misses their house. They miss their bed. Their sheets. Their pillows. Their own space. And in some instances, I may have been correct. But, looking back now and knowing what I know, more often then not I bet it wasn't physical objects at all that they missed. I bet they missed the people and the feelings and the comfort of their own home. The love that Mom and Dad gave them before they crawled into bed, the happiness they felt when they got to sit around the dinner table with each of their family members, laughing until their faces hurt with their siblings.

As I've grown up, I've become more and more convinced that people can be miserably homesick in the place they call their physical home. And, in my case, that people can become homesick for a place that has no physical location at all- homesick for a feeling.

Lately I have been really missing Bozeman. Not the cold, small, lonely one-bedroom apartment I called my home when I lived there, but the feelings and happiness experienced during that season of my life. I find myself longing for things that, at the time were just day-to-day experiences. Trips to Costco, coffee at Homepage, a walk to campus through the snow. I find myself longing for a walk on Pete's hill, a trip to Kegy corner and a good service at Jouney Church. My heart deeply longs for the Christmas stroll, the late nights at Cheever hall and the fifth-night-in-a-row ham sandwiches with barbecue sauce and ketchup and a bowl of tomato soup. I'm keenly aware that if I were to return to Bozeman this wouldn't be what my life would look like anymore, yet I desire the experiences I endured during those times- homesick for a feeling.

"Enjoy the little things, because one day you will look back and realize they were the big things." There has never been a more truer statement for my current life situation than this one.n

The concept of home is where your heart is has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I've begun to experience the love of detestable places (Grand Forks, North Dakota) because my heart is most happy in that place. And I've learned that true happiness is achieved when we are not longing to be anywhere else but in the moment we are living. If we are longing for something, someone, or an experience- our hearts are not truly happy and we aren't home.  If we are drifting through life unhappy in our circumstances, not extracting joy from anything we are doing, then nowhere and nothing feels like home. You can end up in your comfortable, cozy, warm bed at night- but you don't feel home.

So I've been homesick. And I'm not sure for what, and I'm not sure for where, but my heart has felt homesick. Homesick for a feeling, for a new experience, homesick for my heart to be happy. Sometimes we just go through seasons of our lives where this is the case, and I'm experiencing a season...

Directions to paradise.

I have spent my entire life loving analogies. I love when they are used to explain something to me that I can't quite grasp, and I frequently use them myself when trying to explain things to others. For some reason I have this idea that if you use something that a person can relate to, and you make an analogy for them, they will be able to better understand what you are trying to tell them and in the end, you will be able to better communicate with them. Sometimes it may be effective, while other times it might be a stretch that is way too out-there to ever really understand, but either way I continue using them.

If you talk to Rob he will second that somehow I have a way of making everything in life about architecture, skiing or careers- in my defense, its my way of relating to him and trying to get him to understand the mysteries of we who are known as women. Many times, a discussion in our relationship has quickly turned to "picture this: Bridger Bowl gets 16 inches of snow overnight, and you are so pumped to get in the slopes. You get to the resort and hop on the ski lift only to find out that..." 

Although I frequently get a confused look, I am often proud of how I have found a way to communicate in his language, and we usually come to an agreement that, yes- it does actually catch his attention after-all.

So with the obsessive usage of analogies in my life, you can imagine quite how moved I was this morning driving to work when I heard an analogy that hit home for me. Following in close second behind myself, pastors  tend to use this same communication method to hit home about Jesus, God, The Bible or other points that they believe are relevant to the many Christians they are trying to reach. Not all analogies I've heard in the church have been incredibly moving, but there are times where one stops me in my tracks and I can say "Yeah, I can relate to that... WOW!" This morning was one of them:

In this day-in-age nearly everyone has had some sort of experience with a GPS. You punch in where you want to go, it figures out where you are, and calculates the best route to get there. It prompts you with directions telling you when to turn, where to turn and-if you have the most recent version- when you are going too fast. The GPS has one mission, to get you to your destination. Never does it falter, it is always steadily guiding you. And if, by mistake or by your own choosing, you take a wrong turn, it simply recalculates another route you can take to reach the same desired destination. God is much like a GPS. His desired destination for all of his children is eternity with him. He wants us to have a personal relationship with him, to call him daddy, to talk to him daily. When we decide to live by his direction, he plans a route for us from right where we are at to reach his desired destination. He patiently, calmly and gently prompts us along this route- and if we make a wrong turn, he simply re-calculates, planning for us a new route to reach the same desired destination. 

How beautiful. We have a GPS for our lives if we choose to turn It on and listen to It.

Whether analogies are your thing or, like my boyfriend, you are entirely analogied-out, it is easy to see the beauty in this perfectly painted picture. We are never wandering without direction in our life to an unknown destination. We have a compass, and a guide and the most beautiful destination possible. 

Life is fragile.

Usually facebook creeping reduces me to nothing good. Today, however, it has brought me to a place of sorrow, sympathy and gratitude for all I have. We often forget the pure frailness of life. Our lungs move up and down, out hearts beat and we continue on with our daily routine frequently forgetting that we aren't promised another breath, or another pump of our hearts. As I read about the four young girls who tragically died on their commute back to NDSU from their homes, my heart sinks at the loss of their families, their friends, their significant others and all other whose lives they have touched in some capacity. They were in the prime of their lives, the time when living and laughing and being full of life is often taken for granted and never thought twice about. More so, they were traveling a route they probably traveled hundreds of times, yet one moment became the difference between life and death for them.

Unfortunately, I can empathize with their friends. Losing someone you love at such a young age is a tragic, mind-blowing,out of body, unrealistic reality.  It hits you like a ton of bricks and keeps hitting you until you feel numb to the world long enough to heal. And in the horrible days that follow the tragedy you don't know how you will heal, or if you will heal. And in a sense, you never really do heal. You have a scar that is permanent, only this scar is not visual- its a scar deep in the depths of your heart and soul, one that will sting at the goofiest of times, taking your breath away and leaving you to think differently about life in that very moment. 

I didn't know these girls, yet each tragedy involving the death of young leads my heart back to the place of sorrow that I felt so many years ago as I dealt with losing a friend myself. And I often wonder: Do their friends and family have a support system? Will they give themselves time to heal? And can they trust in God to be their solid rock and foundation even when their world is crumbling around them.  I can only hope and pray that a resounding YES is the answer to each of these questions. 

As I read the comments on the walls of these girls, I want to hold my loved ones a little closer, shower them with love and tell them how much they mean to me. I want to give that extra hug, and say that extra "I love you." 

God works in the most mysterious of ways, but God also has a plan. Life is fragile, but life is beautiful. Take the time to see the beauty in this fragile life.

On my mind.

I'm sitting in Starbucks, and there is something about coffee shops that always get my brain moving. I just love coffee shops. I love coffee. Caffeine helps too. And as my brain races I realize that instead of a post about a single thing, there have been several things on my mind. Read as you will...

My current thoughts, as of late:

>I'm finally feeling the need to invest in an i-phone. I promised myself I would never give into that trend, but they can just do far too many things that my Samsung brick-phone of the 19th century cannot do. Too bad I just renewed my 2 year contract last summer. Looks like I will be a part of the "dumb phone" era for awhile.

>For far too long I have heard the health benefits of drinking green tea, and have refused the thought of drinking something that I can't stand the smell of. I finally gave in and had myself a cup of green tea, and much to my surprise I didn't mind it at all. I think it might grow on me, and I may become a green tea drinker. P.S. It also helped when I learned it contained caffeine just like my daily coffee fix.

>Recently I have been bound and determined to begin to research more antioxidant packed food, and start consuming it. In this world that is full of disease and pain and suffering, I want to do all I can for my body to combat those terrible, horrible, evil words that doctors far-too-often have to give families.

>I have watched 4, F.O.U.R movies in the past two weeks that have made me absolutely break down and bawl like a baby through pretty much the entirety of the movie. I'd like to inform you that I am not usually a sap when it comes to movies and it is not frequently that I find myself shedding tears at them. These movies however have literally left me feeling like my best friend just died. Although the movies were overall good movies, the feeling was not a fun feeling - I'm up for a feel good, happy, laugh-hard, warm and fuzzy movie in the near future.

>Painting my nails lately has left me feeling festive, sophisticated and happy. It's funny how such a simple thing can make you feel so wonderful.

>Had a really good talk with a wonderful friend the other day. One who lives hundreds and hundreds of miles away. One I haven't seen since last December (yes, over a year ago), yet still feel like I can share my whole heart and soul with. Friendships like this are so special. I always feel refreshed and ready to take on the world and conquer my dreams after talking to this girl- a good conversation with many of my friends leaves me feeling this way. It's a pretty amazing blessing.

>Wouldn't it be nice if my entire closet could be transformed into my Pintrest "Outfit" board? Confidence comes from feeling good from the outside, in. Clothes make a world of difference. One of these days I'm going to have to go on a shopping spree from some of those adorable creations and make them my own.

>One of the best feelings in the world is feeling right at home, comfortable and free to be yourself. I experienced that last night when I sat and hung out with Rob's parents for over an hour. It felt so good to catch up on the happenings of their lives and to just converse about the everyday ins-and-outs of life in general. I will be so lucky to marry into that family one day, they are incredible people.

>Gas. The price of gas freaks me out. And I find it funny because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It is something that is completely out of my control, yet I cringe at the thought of it reaching 5 dollars a gallon this summer. Maybe someday I'll be able to just look at the prices and say It is what it is, I can't control it, so I might as well just deal with it. For now, however, I feel a pang of anxiety when I see the prices creeping up and up.

>Revealed to my parents on Thursday night my dream job of all dream jobs and filled them in on my entire life plan which is centered around this dream. Surprisingly, they they didn't laugh at me, or even lead on that they thought it was entirely ridiculous. Maybe there is still hope for my undetermined future.

>I'm on the cusp of doing something really incredibly difficult on the job front.It's on of those things you have to build up to and brace yourself for and I'm losing sleep over it. Prayers for strength and reassurance and a smooth road would be greatly appreciated.

>It's not new, but it's still relevant. I have a strong desire to travel. I just want to go somewhere. People all around me are taking trips, warm-weathered, tropical, beach excursions and I'm wishing I could do the same. Very soon I will be heading west to reunite with Bozeman, great friends and the slopes. I think that'll help my travel cravings a bit. But I'd also love to get warm and explore new things and places.

>I went for my first outdoor run in months the other night. Although my body didn't feel great, it felt so wonderful to be outside and running again. It's been far too long since I've had the chance to breathe fresh air and see a change of scenery as I've gotten my workout. Treadmills have never been my friend, but between the short days, the cold weather and my long hours at work they had been my only choice. I need to sign up for a race so I can motivate myself to get out even more often then I have been lately. Fargo 10k? Maybe.


As always, take a minute today to look around you- wherever you are- and see the beauty that surrounds us.

Celebrate Love

This may come late- but for love, there is never really a late. Although we are given a specific day to celebrate love, it is in the everyday in's and out's of life where we can stop and celebrate the people we hold so dear. During those moments when flowers aren't expected, but show up anyways. Or when receiving a letter in the mail isn't even a thought on our mind when one appears from a friend. It's those moments where we are living out our mundane, repetitious life- making dinner in the kitchen when someone gives us a huge hug from behind and says "I love you." Those are the moments our hearts swell and we can stop and thank God for the love that surrounds us in our lives.

But Valentines Day, I'm not a cynic of it at all. In fact, any day that allows us to stop and be thankful for the blessing of love in our life is a great day in my book. And anybody who knows me knows that I love the romance and hype that comes with Valentines Day, after-all, if you catch me on the right day I may even tell you that Valentines Day is my favorite holiday. I think there is something truly special about a a day that allows a Dad to take the extra time to hold his daughter close and give her another I Love You, maybe one that is overdue. Or causes a husband to take a detour from his route home from work to purchase an all to over-used Hallmark card, but thoughtful just the same for his wife who may have forgotten over the past year how much he truly does value her. And even for all those single people on Valentines Day, there is plenty of love that has blessed the lives of each and every one of us- a parents love, a grandparents love, a siblings love, the love of a relative, best friend, acquaintance, employer, or-best of all- the love of our heavenly Father, the one who made us and loves us exactly for who we are.

So behind all that Hallmark, consumerism, expectations that is Valentines Day- don't ever forget that there is something truly beautiful about our beating hearts and their desire to be wholly loved.

I'm looking forward to a postponed Valentines Day celebration with Rob this weekend and excited that we are planning a weekend to celebrate our love and all the victories it has  that have come with it.

Growing Pains.

Originally I wanted to create a three word post. One that I thought might sum up exactly how I was feeling, and leave it at that- and this is what it was going to say:

GROWING. UP. SUCKS.

But then I found a problem with that three-word simple post. I realized that there are pieces of me that strongly want to grow up, want a home and a husband and all that comes with those things. So I decided to elaborate...

As I come off of an absolutely fabulous weekend and into an incredibly difficult case of the Monday's, I have to stop and ask myself "How can I go from one extreme to the other?" and more importantly "Why."

Everything about this weekend was so incredible. From spending time with newly-made friends to laying in bed for far too long on Saturday morning to shopping at Menards (yes, I know I never thought I'd say it either), I was constantly smiling, continually laughing and frequently thinking to myself I wish this never had to end. Yet,  such is life that each weekend must come to an end- and mine did too, leaving me with a horrible feeling of bleh in my body. I'm currently trying to figure out how to combat the extreme sadness I feel at the commencement of every weekend- after-all, it can't be healthy to have a heavy heart and feel on the brink of tears beginning each week. I wonder to myself, how could I stop these Monday blues from creeping up on me so strongly each Monday morning and I cringe at how pathetic I sound.

In life you have to work for a living. You have to have a source of income that exceeds your spending (bills, rent, food, entertainment, travel, desires...). You have to have something that somebody else wants, whether it be a good, a service, or whatever else might generate a paycheck. Somebody has to take money out of their pocket and put it in your pocket for life to keep on keeping on the way we live. And I understand that. I'm not naive to the idea of work, nor am I oppose to it- I just hate the Sunday morning "I have to get up and go to work tomorrow and I'm dreading it" feeling. Yet everyday the world spins, the clock moves and people get out of bed at go to work- day, after day, after day, after day...

So maybe I have yet to be involved in something that draws me out of bed in the morning eager to get going.  Or maybe I have a lack of motivation to get through my day because what welcomes me at the end of it isn't what I desire. Or maybe, I have too little to look forward to (dinner with a special someone, a game, some relaxing by the t.v, bed). Or maybe my case is a combination of all of these things.

Whatever the case may be, I am now- after 23 years of life- finally figuring out why people stress the importance of finding meaning and passion in your work, and someone to fall into the arms of at night. Or at least a strong dose of one of those, if not both.

So as it stands, my life circumstances may not be the epitome of a desirable, wonderful, fairy-tale life for me. They may cause hard goodbyes and extreme cases of happiness-hangovers and Monday blues. But, maybe growing up actually doesn't suck, maybe growing up is a beautiful part of life that just comes with a whole lot of growing pains.

Exhausted.

Exhausted.


That is probably all I would really need to say to describe my life right now. I'm exhausted. Children are a blessing from God. They're beautiful, and wonderful and amazing creatures who are learning and discovering and growing every single minute. But in all of their glory anyone who has ever spent a significant time with kids knows they are incredibly, incredibly exhausting.

This weekend consisted of a late night on Friday night, skating for 2 hours on Saturday, swimming for 2 hours on Saturday, hockey practice (more about that coming soon), a birthday party and lots of playing. All of these things, although exciting and fun, left them very worn out- and me very worn out. I have a new-found respect for parents that comes from a first-hand experience of living it out. It's wonderfully exhausting.

I got to be a hockey mom for the first time in my life. Pads, skates, jersey, smelly-locker room, cold-rink and all. I felt slightly out of my element alongside many hard-core hockey Dads but I survived an experience I believe every Moorheadian should partake in!

I got my Montana teaching license in the mail! I am finally an official licensed teacher. I'm legit. It's real. I guess that means I have to start applying for jobs now (I'm actually really excited, it's just an incredibly daunting task) and am hoping that my North Dakota license (the one I actually am going to use) is shortly behind it.

And my favorite thing about this weekend: I discovered that my boyfriend is going to be the best daddy someday...

The life and times of a full time Mom...

Today begins my journey on an eight day quest of being a full time mommy. Not just 8am-5pm. Nope. Round-the-clock. Feed, bathe, play, read put-to-bed, wake-up, get to school and everything in between Mom. Over the course of these next 8 days I'm going to share the joys, the hardships and the laughs of being thrown into full-time motherhood!

Tonight Mr.Evan and Lexi said goodbye to their Mom and Dad and saw them off on a week long vacation. They are such incredibly amazing little ones. Both of them held it together so well, said goodbye and transitioned easily into "Amber-mom". Lexi shed a couple of tears and talked about missing Mom and Dad, but quickly rebounded into her normal, happy self. For a seven and a five year old that is truly phenomenal!

I know being a parent is thee hardest job you could ever bargin for. It's full-time. It comes without vacation, without sick days, without time off. The day is filled with coaching little ones on how to be the best, do their best and live life every step of the way. And at the end of the day when they are in bed there are messes to clean, laundry to do, dishes to wash, and needs of your own to tend to- like maybe taking a bathroom break for the first time in 10 hours. It's exhausting to say the least (and at least my full-time parent duty ends in a week). But with that comes so many laughs, so many smiles and so many heart-warming discoveries.

Day One: Lexi makes me a pink-heart stick note that says "Amber loves Rbby". Then she hands it to me and says "Amber loves Robby, Amber loves Robby" and looks at me with a big heart-warming grin. I smile in return. Then she turns off her goofy face and nestles in next to me "Do you really love Robby?" She asks "Because you DO kiss him." (How she knows that I kiss him is still a mystery to me). None-the-less I respond "I do love him, yep!" She smiles, bigger now. "Well, Mom and Dad love each other, and they kiss, but they are married... Why aren't you married." The inevitable question. It's been popped a lot lately by little ones who don't quite understand dynamics. I respond "Well, because the boy asks the question, and to be able to ask the question it takes a lot of thinking and money."... "Oh." She replys, and runs off to play (Or so I think).  A while later I'm playing with Evan and Lexi comes and curls back up in my lap- Only this time she has something in her hand. "What's in your hand" I ask her, innocently curious about what she is so proud of.  "Well, I want to give my money to Rob so he can marry you she says as she holds out a handful of cash."

The heart of children. It's worth every exhausting moment they've ever brought me.

Today I'm feeling incredibly organized and crafty.

I want a house that looks like this.

And a child's room that looks like this (someday).

And a bathroom that looks like this.

And an entry way that looks like this...

Or this.

And a craft room that looks like this.

And a laundry room that includes this.

This wouldn't be so bad either (Minus the fact that I do not own that many pair of shoes)

I told you "organized" was the mood I'm in. I would do anything to own an apartment (or house) to implement these ideas in- although you wouldn't know it from the state my bedroom is in. It's awful. Part of that is that there is too too too much stuff in such a small area, the other part is that I just do not have the time to clean it and get it looking nice. Maybe my life would be the same if I owned a house. I like to think that wouldn't be the case though.