Adele Pandora station. Scrabble. A walk in the rain witnessing a double rainbow. Cooking a pesto cavatapi meal. A glass of wine. Lindo truffle. My boy. Life could pause in this moment and I wouldn't be mad- although that's not entirely true because a lot of pieces of my life are spiking the desire for my life to move forward. SURPRISE.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe. And have faith that everything will work out for the best.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Life's Paths
I often look back and think how did I get to where I am today. There are times in my life when I just stop and say to myself so many roads, so many people, so many decisions have brought me to this place in my life. And I'm writing my book daily. Although the current chapter may not be the most exciting chapter in my book called life, it is an essential part of the plot, and will be my vehicle to another plot-determining page.
I am a count-down girl. I count down the days, the hours, the minutes to everything. Whether it is a big life-event or a small piece of my daily life I am continually counting down. When will I be off work. When will this run be over. When will I get to go to bed. and the biggest count-down as of late How many days until I get to see Rob. Sometimes I feel like my life is a continual countdown- and it is only during my weekends spent really enjoying my life that instead of counting-down I just live in the moment. I fill my days with activities to pass the time, to make my count-down go faster, until of course the event happens and I want to freeze time to enjoy the moment forever. And then I start all over. I have frequently told myself lately that I will be so grateful and happy when I am living my life with the one I love, waking up and going to work each morning, knowing what I will be doing, and having the chance to enjoy my everyday. But what about today? What about these years I am currently living. They are crucial pieces of my life- and to just drift through would be a waste of the precious time I have on this earth. Although I know that I will thoroughly enjoy my life when I have the chance to do that- I know I must also take the opportunity to enjoy my not-so-ideal life "as is" right now.
I have been spending a great deal of time in the past couple weeks applying for teaching jobs. Answering questions. Filling out applications. Perfecting my resume. Writing cover letters. And doing it all over again district after district. I spend hours trying to figure out how to best present myself on a piece of paper- to make myself stand out among hundreds of people using a few short words. And as I submit each application, along with a sense of relief that it is finally done comes a huge feeling of fear. "What if I don't get a job, what if I have to sub for years, it's a huge shot in the dark to be 1 applicant in 800, how will I ever "get my foot in the door" when thousands of other people are trying too. It's terrifying.
For a person with a completely filled out planner, daily events, monthly events and yearly events in color coded coordination- my life feels a little chaotic, and completely out of my control. I don't know where I will be next year, I don't know what I will be doing, I don't know how long Rob and I will be doing long distance, I don't know when I'll get married- or if (although I hope that's not the case), I don't know how long I'll call Moorhead home- and more importantly how long I'll call Mom and Dad's home. It feels out-of-control at times. Yet I continually remind myself that out-of-control is good. And that I don't need to have all the knowledge of my future, maybe its God's way of telling me that I need to just let go and trust him.
In just a few short weeks I will be returning to Montana State University to walk across the stage and receive my diploma. It will symbolically represent the end of an era, and the beginning of yet another. I will accept that piece of paper that will determine the rest of my life. And I will be proud knowing I worked hard for it. And then I will come back to Moorhead and I will continue to work hard in hopes that- whatever God may have in store for me- will be accomplished.
And my current obsessions: Mint Sorbet Nail Polish and Shutterfly's wonderful giveaways.
I am a count-down girl. I count down the days, the hours, the minutes to everything. Whether it is a big life-event or a small piece of my daily life I am continually counting down. When will I be off work. When will this run be over. When will I get to go to bed. and the biggest count-down as of late How many days until I get to see Rob. Sometimes I feel like my life is a continual countdown- and it is only during my weekends spent really enjoying my life that instead of counting-down I just live in the moment. I fill my days with activities to pass the time, to make my count-down go faster, until of course the event happens and I want to freeze time to enjoy the moment forever. And then I start all over. I have frequently told myself lately that I will be so grateful and happy when I am living my life with the one I love, waking up and going to work each morning, knowing what I will be doing, and having the chance to enjoy my everyday. But what about today? What about these years I am currently living. They are crucial pieces of my life- and to just drift through would be a waste of the precious time I have on this earth. Although I know that I will thoroughly enjoy my life when I have the chance to do that- I know I must also take the opportunity to enjoy my not-so-ideal life "as is" right now.
I have been spending a great deal of time in the past couple weeks applying for teaching jobs. Answering questions. Filling out applications. Perfecting my resume. Writing cover letters. And doing it all over again district after district. I spend hours trying to figure out how to best present myself on a piece of paper- to make myself stand out among hundreds of people using a few short words. And as I submit each application, along with a sense of relief that it is finally done comes a huge feeling of fear. "What if I don't get a job, what if I have to sub for years, it's a huge shot in the dark to be 1 applicant in 800, how will I ever "get my foot in the door" when thousands of other people are trying too. It's terrifying.
For a person with a completely filled out planner, daily events, monthly events and yearly events in color coded coordination- my life feels a little chaotic, and completely out of my control. I don't know where I will be next year, I don't know what I will be doing, I don't know how long Rob and I will be doing long distance, I don't know when I'll get married- or if (although I hope that's not the case), I don't know how long I'll call Moorhead home- and more importantly how long I'll call Mom and Dad's home. It feels out-of-control at times. Yet I continually remind myself that out-of-control is good. And that I don't need to have all the knowledge of my future, maybe its God's way of telling me that I need to just let go and trust him.
In just a few short weeks I will be returning to Montana State University to walk across the stage and receive my diploma. It will symbolically represent the end of an era, and the beginning of yet another. I will accept that piece of paper that will determine the rest of my life. And I will be proud knowing I worked hard for it. And then I will come back to Moorhead and I will continue to work hard in hopes that- whatever God may have in store for me- will be accomplished.
And my current obsessions: Mint Sorbet Nail Polish and Shutterfly's wonderful giveaways.
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