Christmas Morning

 I gave my students a writing assignment last week titled "Christmas Morning." the directions were to give me a picture of what Christmas morning feels like to them, making sure to include all five senses in their writing. I'm excited to see what they produce, but during the process I produced an example myself. Below is what I will read my 8 year olds tomorrow:

              I pop out of bed, Christmas music playing softly in the background. Looking over at the clock I realize it is already 10 in the morning. Although my start is a little later than in my earlier years, I still feel the child-like joy of Christmas morning as I retreat from my bedroom into the kitchen where I smell ham cooking in the oven and see my Mom already hard-at-work in the kitchen preparing our Christmas day meal. I glance to the living room where my Dad sits near the tree in his Vikings pajama pants. “Good morning” he says, “Merry Christmas!” a certain joy fills the room that is only present one day a year.
“A merry Christmas it is” I think to myself as I take in the sites of the tree overflowing with perfectly wrapped gifts that weren’t there the night before. In the background snow falls softly in the window which perfectly frames the tree as if it was taken directly from a Terry Redlin painting. I think for a moment about the work that went into shopping for each of the gift under the tree, I notice the bows- neatly curled- on each package and, for the first time in my life, deeply appreciate the efforts put in to make Christmas day what it is- even 23 years later. The over-flowing stockings catch my eye as I retreat to the couch next to my Dad and I still get a feeling of anxious anticipation to discover what will be buried deep inside.

                Cheesy ham wafts through the living room indicating that the egg bake has been removed from the oven and will be taking its place at the kitchen table followed promptly by my brother who will surely be snacking before we reach the morning meal prayer. ‘Some things never change’, I think to myself as I reflect back through the years of December-25ths spent together in that very same kitchen. Through the ups and downs of our ever-changing family, one thing has remained (slightly) the same- the Christmas morning feeling. The traditions of our family morning meal, the over-stuffed stockings holding gifts from Santa, and the joyful Jesus was born today realization make me look forward to years ahead, which will surely bring the pattering feet and magical giggles of children at 6 am, creating an ever-circling tradition of the joy that is Christmas morning.

Whirlwind We Call Life

I've been missing-in-action for quite some time. Somewhere between the sunny days of summer when I had an abundance of me time and downtime, and the chilly days of fall- feeling swamped and overwhelmed with work, I fell off the face of the blog-world earth.

And I'm back. If only for a short time, I am back to tell you that life has taken so many unexpected, wonderful, and incredible turns.

I began my teaching career, and was immediately thrown right into the thick of it all. People can warn you, they can tell you what it will be like, they can even give you real-life accounts of the first year of teaching, but until you're sinking knee-deep into it, you will never really know exactly what it's like. It's full of emotion. Overwhelming emotion that, at times, consumes who you are as a being.  You go from mountain-top to Grand-Canyon-sized valleys and back in a matter of days. You're exhausted to the point where you collapse on your bed at home wondering how you're ever going to get up and do it all again tomorrow, and then you do. But the underlying tone of it all is this pure joy. At least for me it is. It's this unexplainable feeling of accomplishment, and excitement and relationship at the end of each day. It's this exhausted, I don't know how I'm going to go back but I want to type of feeling and it's so. darn. exciting. I can honestly and truly say, I love it. I absolutely love everything about it. What a blessing.

I am thoroughly convinced that the Man-Upstairs knew exactly what he was doing when he put it on my heart to be a teacher. Through all of my doubts, my regrets, my I-don't-know-if-this-is-what-I-was-meant-to-do's, through every night spent thinking about my other options, and every word uttered saying "I'll give it a try." He was looking down on me saying I know what I'm doing, Amber. I've got this. Just trust me. And although I will admit there were times I absolutely didn't trust him, didn't even trust myself, I stuck it out because I knew there must be a reason and a plan for my life far beyond what I could comprehend.

And I am so glad I did. I am incredibly happy. I genuinely love each and every one of my co-workers. I feel deeply blessed to work at the most amazing place on earth with a family- yes, a family- of people who are amazing individuals. And I care about my students far more than I ever thought I could, or would- but I do.

To top it all off, Rob finally popped the question. I am marrying my best friend. I knew this day would come, but I could have never imagined what it would be like when I could actually say those words.

So, in between every lesson-planning, worksheet-making, paper-correcting night, I am joyfully planning my wedding to the man of my dreams. And I'm sending up a lot of thank yous to the Big Guy for carefully crafting my life into something so beautiful, and more precisely planned out than this anal-planner of a girl could plan out herself.

Going, going... gone.

I'm creeping up quickly on the end of my summer. And although it is back-loaded with an abundance of exciting activities, I'm still appalled and slightly saddened by how fast it went. Surprise, surprise... I say that every year- and I have a feeling that will be the soundtrack of my every mid-August for the rest of my days.

As my classroom gets more and more put together I become increasingly excited about it, and ready to take on a load of kids. The walls are painted, signs are hung, desks are placed (including my own), and only minor details need to be hatched out before kids arrive- although each of those minor details tend to take 5 hours a shot- I think I can do it.  It has been quite the adventure already, and school hasn't even begun. I can't imagine the things I'm going to have to say about teaching once you throw 15 little ones into the mix, but all-in-all I'm so excited to be Ms. Henne, and to embark on that adventure with my students.

Less than two weeks left of nannying. Two weeks? What? How in the world did that happen? It's been a busy and splendid summer with the kids, and I am always so grateful that I get to be a part of their lives and watch them grow and change daily. It's a tough job at times, but so rewarding always. Little Lexi informed me the other day that "Amber, I know that if you and Rob had to be our parents, Rob would marry you really fast." In reference to a conversation about God-parents, who they were and what their purpose was. She was convinced that Rob and I are her God parents, because we're the parents that God gave her. My heart certainly did swell in that moment. 

Sun setting on the lake, wine, grilled perfection, warm weather, no bugs- Deciding to head out to the lake on Saturday for an evening together was the exact quality time that I needed this weekend with Rob. We had such a great time just enjoying each other's company, listening to the radio, eating dinner and watching the sun set on the lake. On Sunday we both even got a little bit of work done, while hanging out- what a way to do it!

And... tonight, TRAIN. I have never been a huge Train fan, although, as I looked at their playlist, I wondered why I haven't been more of one. They have an abundance of wonderful songs. Recently, my all-time favorite song is sung by them. And tonight I get to experience it all- live. So. Excited.

That teaching blog is still at the back of my mind. Now that I have before and after classroom pictures, I'm getting more and more anxious to get it rolling- but I still can't pull the trigger quite yet. It'll come soon.

Thanks for all your love.

Fly By Summers

The 4th of July has come and gone. Actually, the 4th of July flew by like a fence post out the window while driving down the interstate. It was here and gone that fast. It's hard to believe that summer is already half over. Where does time go, how does it go so fast? I just can't seem to ever wrap my mind around that concept of the 3 months between the end of May and the end of August seemingly taking a great deal longer than the three between Christmas and my birthday.

This summer has been a wonderful ride of memory making, and has graced me with several different emotions. Approaching the end of the summer I will begin my first real grown-up job, and I absolutely can't wait to see where that takes me. But with that excitement comes a great sense of anxiety- the room's not ready, I'm not ready, I have so much to do, so much to get in order- overwhelming to say the least. 

I know it will all work out wonderfully, and I'm trying to enjoy the last few weeks of off-the-hook freedom before I really have to buckle down and actually start stressing, but let's get real- I've been stressing since the day I signed my contract. Excited and nervous.

This weekend was another out-of-the-park, home run weekend of fun, adventure and excitement.Saturday was a beautiful 90 degree day, and I got to spend it at Pelican lake literally surrounded by people I love. What a blessing. There was a moment during the day when my Dad, my brother, Rob and his Dad were in the water swimming in the middle of the lake, and I stopped and said to myself "What a lucky, lucky girl I am."

I've been saying that a lot this summer- how blessed and lucky I am. Longtime friends, new friends, birth family, gained family (although not yet, technically), a boyfriend who is a best friend, a job, financial stability, and a whole lot of love in my life and in my heart. 

Switching gears completely- I'm finally going to bite the bullet and start my teaching blog. I think I have enough to say on the teaching front, enough to share, enough happening in my life that it is worth of a blog. But I need a name. I want a fun, creative, interesting, memorable name for my teaching blog. One that I can keep for a long, long while and not feel like I outgrow it. I need your help. What do you think?

Although not completely finished, I've made a lot of headway on my classroom. The walls all have at least one coat of fresh paint, and many are on their way to two fresh coats. I'm excited about how it's going to look when it's all said and done, and really thankful that I have amazing parents, a really, really great friend, and a boyfriend who have spent hours willing to help me out. 

Gratefully blessed.

I need to take a moment to talk about the power of really good friends. I decided to take a break this week from my second job, and focus on my social life, and renewing my spirit by spending time with the really important people in my life as well as catching up with the ones I can't physically spend time with. I was feeling a strong need for the presence of the people who make my life better by just being a part of it, and I knew that unless I made a point of purposefully blocking time out in my life to do it- it would be something that I would continue to lack.

Let me say at the end of this week I am feeling refreshed, renewed and really really blessed. I indulged in an evening on a long walk with a friend solving all of lifes problems like girls tend to do, spent an evening with my Mom chatting about life, showing her my classroom and running some errands together, got to hang out with a friend who I haven't had much contact with in the past 5 months and caught up like we had never missed a beat, and spent an evening with the three greatest girls I have ever known- ones who know me in and out, know who I am, and love me just the way I am.

And my head hit the pillow last night feeling so dang lucky for all the people that God has placed in my life. I feel like a new person this morning. Less stressed about the things to come, ready to take on the world because I know I have an army of lovely human beings by my side who will literally and emotionally help me through every step of the way. How so gracious I am.

Speaking of great friends- my three lovely best friends somehow agreed to come help me tape-up my classroom last night to prepare it for paint. In the midst of the listening to music, laughing, chatting and taping the hours flew and the taping was finished pain-free. Really. Great. Friends. I'm sure that taping off a room wasn't their idea of the most fun thing to do, but they willingly joined me, and helped relieve a lot of stress by just getting that done. We also decided to delve into the edging of the bottom half of my room, so I currently have a really messy classroom in which 3/4 of the bottom of the walls are edged with paint. It looks interesting to say the least, but it got me really excited to see how paint is going to trasform the classroom and make it my own. I documented with some before photos of the room, and some during the edging process, and will contiue to document as it continues to change into a colorful center for learning! I'm feeling the need to start that teaching blog soon to document my classroom transformation- watch for it, it will be coming!

If you are a part of my life- even in the least of ways- I want to say thank you for filling my heart with joy and giving me a sense of peace knowing there are so many people in the world who send thoughts and prayers my way. Know that I, too, often think of you and say a thankful prayer.

Overwhelmed and Overjoyed

I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed at the thoughts of... well, life.

While trying to be prepared to create an amazing classroom for my students, I have spent hours on Pinterest finding elaborate classroom set-ups and ideas. I love Pinterest. It's such a wonderful way to share ideas about everything and I feel like I am continually saying "Wow, what would I have done had I not known about that". It's fabulous that idea's that used to just be kept to the uber-creative are now out there for everyone to adapt. At the same time, I have been feeling like it has slightly overwhelmed my life. I find myself looking at several classrooms, homes and lives and saying "I want to do that, have that, make that, be that." and I pin it...

As I have re-looked over my Pinterest board I have found this ideal life that I have created in my mind. Everybody's super-organized, super-creative, uber-cute ideas combined into this idealistic life that I want. The ideal home, the ideal classroom, the idea lesson plans, the ideal wedding, the ides parenting strategies, tips and tricks, ideal wardrobe. I want it all, I want to do it all, and be it all- and it makes me feel so overwhelmed. How in the world am I supposed to do that?

Sometimes I feel like life would be easier if we weren't bombarded with the technology and ease-of-access to everyone else's lives. Sometimes I feel like it just contributes to our idea that our life isn't as good, or as successful or as fun or as ideal as someone else's. And now you don't even have to know the person to see their greatness. You can sign onto the computer and you are subject to millions of people who have more, make more, can do more. It's a blessing and a curse.

Don't get me wrong. You won't find me giving up Pinterest anytime soon. I feel like it has definitely added a lot of wonderfulness to my life, but there are times when I feel as though I am so completely in over my head and could never possible create the perfect life that I have created via Pinterest boards.

Relational.

I read a really great article this morning called "50 Ways to Inspire Your Husband". Hold the comments- I'm aware that I don't have a husband, but this article was so informative that I decided it was a must save for my future life. What it really did, though, is make me think a lot about why we are here, what it takes to have successful relationships, and what our purpose in life is.

We are relational beings. Whether we're loners, have a select group of friends, or are social butterflies who make contact with everyone we meet- we need relation with other human beings. It's the way we were created, it's how we are wired.

We, however, have a choice about the type of relationship we are going to keep with each person we welcome into our lives. Are going to love them, hate them, use them, uplift them? What are we going to do with the people who are walking along side us in this life.

For me it is about being the best I can be for each of those people. At times, my best may not measure up, it may not come close to the intention that the relationship was created for, and it may just fail- but deep down in my heart I have a yearning desire to be the best- wife, mom, teacher, friend- I can possibly be. I find myself continually reading books and articles, watching other's relationships and adjusting my sail accordingly. I believe that I have been put on this earth not to make more difficult the walk of others, but to enhance their path. And if I can, to make the way a little more desirable for them.

And- after reading an article about the importance of a color scheme in a classroom (no more than 3 colors are recommended in a single classroom setting, who would have known?)- I've decided what I'm going to do with my classroom. Or at least I've finally got a basis for what I'm going to build the rest of my decor around... Drum roll please... Green, Purple and Yellow. After a lot of thinking and experimenting with different colors, I have decided that those three are the most gender neutral, they're fun but not cliche, they're still within the color wheel so they're not hard to find and I just really like the combo. I'm excited to start doing it up!

Summer is in full swing. Back to my summer nanny job. Fried already. Looking forward to concerts and barbecues and lakes country and sun and friends.

What matters?

Don't strive to make your presence noticed, just your absence felt.

In a world that tells us to work hard, and work harder. To be the best, and then be better. To be the prettiest, and the nicest, and the smartest and the greatest. A world that continually tells us if you just had this, or owned this, or made this you'd be successful. In a world that emphasizes that we must put 100% of our energy into 100% of our commitments 100% of the time, we find that we can never keep up, let alone live up. Expectations surround us. People need us, want us, use us, abuse us- and everyone we come in contact with thinks that we should be giving out all to them. In a world where technology allows us to be reached morning, noon and night. Where if we don't check our e-mail over the weekend, our inbox has 100 new e-mails, all of which are the most important e-mail. In today's continually-demanding society, we must strive for balance. We must have a set of priorities and values and pre-set boundaries so that we don't get sucked into the me, me, me society that says it isn't okay to be selfish and take care of ourselves. 

No matter where you look you'll find that money matters- looks matter- material possessions matter. And in your head you will believe it. How can't you believe it, the world has been raising you with that mentality. You'll wish you had more money, you'll wish you had more stuff, you'll wish you were prettier, or smarter, or had someone else's job, someone else's house, someone else's children, someone else's life. It'll happen.

It's a sad, sad story. But it's the story of our lives. 

Lately I've been making a conscious choice that what is going to be important in my life will not be measured by the standards of this world. My salary, my house, my car, my job, my children's success, my husbands success... It will not be measured by what this world says is successful, important, worthy.

I'm here for a purpose, and a reason, and my life story is exactly the way it's supposed to be. The most important components of my life- love, gratitude, generosity, empathy, patience, faithfulness, hard work- those cannot be measured by the standards set by this world.  But at the end of my life, they will be what matters most.

What will make your absence felt, not your presence noticed? Who will feel your absence, not what will feel your absence. Is your life demonstrating that? Is your life striving towards that?

I'm trusting God to shape my heart to be a person who doesn't conform to the standards and successes of this world.

Inspired.

I got to see a really, really good friend last night that I hadn't seen in far too long. We laughed, we chatted, we hugged, we screamed, we talked about our lives, but most importantly we just got to enjoy each others company. Something we hadn't done in a long time- and it was wonderful.

And it got me to thinking. Really great people inspire you to be really great. Being in their presence inspires you to live life a little more happy. To accept your circumstances, and your blessings and your curses and to laugh about them, take them head on, and tell yourself this is my life, my one and only, beautiful and crazy and messed up and wonderful life. This. Is. It.

And what an inspiration it is to be in the presence of someone who makes you feel like you really can take life head on, no matter what circumstances life throws at you. It's really great to have a friend, or multiple friends, who give you that sense- that perspective on life.

And while we're talking about being inspired. How about the Fargo Marathon this weekend. That event is just so wonderful. People of literally all shapes, sizes, ages and backgrounds come out, and they set their minds to doing something, and they do it. And sitting at the finish line watching those peoples' dreams become reality is truly inspiring. How wonderful it is to be a part of something like that. I went to the kids mile run on Thursday night, and there are children, small, young children who are literally giving it everything they have to make it to the finish line- bound and determined to just finish the race. And then Saturday, watching the thousands upon thousands of people who are doing the exact same thing, bound and determined to just finish the race. I love it.

On that note, thank you to everyone who came out to cheer for the runners. Let me tell you, it is YOU who make the differences. It is YOU who tip the scales between finishing the race, and finishing well. It means more than you could really ever understand (until you're on the course running, being inspired by those who are on the sidelines).

Between the race, and some really wonderful people who have given me some really wonderful conversations in the past few days... I have been inspired to "run with perseverance the race marked out for me" literally and metaphorically speaking.

Saying Goodbye.

Some people despise cats, some are indifferent about cats, some tolerate cats, some love cats and some are crazy cat people. I'd say that, prior to owning the coolest cat in the world, I would have fallen somewhere between tolerating them and loving them. That was before Hootie came along.

Hootie was continually doing that to people- moving them up that scale. People who despised cats fell in love with his friendliness, his cuddliness and his way of purring his way into your lap- and heart. Many times, as a family we have talked about how Hootie might think he is a dog himself- begging, coming when you call, waiting at the door with his tail wagging. I've never met another cat quite like him.

Although I wouldn't say I am a crazy cat lady, I'm crazy about this cat. He is a lover. It doesn't matter how many times you pick him up and put him off your lap, he's right back in it purring and looking at you for more petting. Hootie's a constant. He's predictable. You know he'll be waiting outside your shut bedroom door in the morning for some love. You know he'll be at your feet if you're gathered in the kitchen, and on your lap if you're gathered in the living room. He loves to be a part of the family, and a part of the family is exactly what he was.

So it was with extreme sadness in my heart that I left my house this morning and said my final, last goodbye to Hootie. I pet his soft fur, and heard him purr one last time. I held him in my hands and I told him "You're the best they ever come, buddy." and I meant it. I've never met a more personable cat. After 12 years of healthy life, he suddenly stopped eating on Saturday, threw up a couple times on Sunday, and at the vet on Monday they said his kidneys were failing and that he'd have to put down, today he will make his final journey in the car, and he'll live on in our hearts.

Pets become a part of our families. We fall in love with them, and they love us back- unconditionally, whole-heatedly and without fail. They don't let us down. They don't easily anger (at least Hootie didn't, he tolerated absolutely anything), and they excitedly anticipate our arrival, our cuddles and our attention.

I'm trying to keep it all in perspective- I know, afterall, that my family is healthy, my friends are healthy, and there are many, many people in worse off situations then my own. By I can't help brokenheartedly write about the memories of an unconditional best friend.

I love you Hootie. Thanks for being the best animal-friend a person could ever ask for.

Kids.

Remember the last post when I said that kids continually keep you laughing. Well, I couldn't have set myself up better, because today was one of those days. I laughed. I laughed hard. Multiple times. 

"Did you know we're starting to get poor again?"

"You are?"

"Yeah, we don't have hot dogs or whipped cream."

"We're going to get a dog someday when Riley learns how to not cry when it dies."

Oh what a joy it is.

All things teacher.

Lately I've been obsessing over all things teacher. From classroom signs, to organizational binders, to lesson ideas- pinterest, blogs and the internet in general has gotten the best of me. It's been so much fun to begin looking for a particular grade, and to visualize my classroom when I know what the actual space will look like. Of course, I've got visions of a place so wonderful it would only happen on a movie set, but I'll do what I can. It's still hard to believe that I get my very own classroom and set of kiddos- and looking at the standards gives me an overwhelming sense of excitement about the knowledge I get to instill in these youngsters. Through my teacher-obsession I've learned three things 1.) There is an abundance of information that 3rd graders need to learn-eeeek! 2.) There are tons of teachers out there who are incredibly creative, but teaching takes an incredible amount of organization (this is coming from the anally-organized person I am) 3.) You could spend SO MUCH money on teaching. I am convinced that it would be so easy to spend more than you make on teaching. Yikes. I better be careful.

I'm trying not to stress too much already about the upcoming school year, I don't need to be an uber-stressed out human being for 3 months before school starts...

I'm going to attempt to make a teaching blog once the year begins. I know I'll be so busy that it may be impossible to keep it up, but watch for it this fall. I'm excited to share my adventures with all of you. I also made a classroom website for my parents and teacher- it'll be fun to see how that evolves throughout my career as well.

I've been having a lot of fun at my job lately. The girls have really warmed up to me, and I've started to love being a part of their lives. It's crazy how children just have a way of inching their way into your heart- and these three have certainly done that. I spend a lot of my day running around, picking up, but most importantly laughing. It's a lot of fun. Children are truly a joy- it's hard to be around them and not laugh.

I've had such a sociable week this week- and it's been really good therapy for the heart. Seeing friends, having good chats and catching up on other people's lives give me a great feeling that I am not alone in this life. How wonderful is that?

Miss. Henne

Well, here I am, back in Bozeman Montana. It's beautiful here. I forget just how amazing it really is, until I point my car west and take in all the sites, the beauty of the snow-topped mountains, the green rolling foothills that continue on forever, the quaint downtown life, the bustling people walking, biking, running and enjoying the sun and the views. This town is wonderful. But it's not home. And, I am always torn when coming here about where I really want to be. Could I take all the character of this town, combine it with all the family, friends and jobs of Moorhead, and live in that place?

Tomorrow I will walk across the stage. I will officially become a college graduate. Earlier this week I received my degree in the mail "Amber Anne Henne, Bachelor of Science". It's all becoming official, life is becoming officially official. In one week I accepted a teaching job, received my diploma, and will walk across the stage to commence my life as a college student. It's all so exciting, it happened so fast, and I feel incredibly blessed that everything worked the way it did.

And I'm SO excited to be a third grade teacher. Miss Henne, I love the sound of it. I have been staying up late just thinking and preparing and dreaming about my classroom, students and lessons for next year. It feels so good to actually have a plan for my career future, and I feel so much less anxiety when I think about teaching. Here comes way too much anal organization, color-coding, classroom decor, planning, crafting and creating a wonderful learning environment!

He does have a plan for our lives. I'm seeing prayers answered, plans fall into place, and life taking shape- maybe not all on my time, but on His time, the best time.

Romantic

Adele Pandora station. Scrabble. A walk in the rain witnessing a double rainbow. Cooking a pesto cavatapi meal. A glass of wine. Lindo truffle. My boy. Life could pause in this moment and I wouldn't be mad- although that's not entirely true because a lot of pieces of my life are spiking the desire for my life to move forward. SURPRISE.


Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe. And have faith that everything will work out for the best.

Life's Paths

I often look back and think how did I get to where I am today.  There are times in my life when I just stop and say to myself so many roads, so many people, so many decisions have brought me to this place in my life. And I'm writing my book daily.  Although the current chapter may not be the most exciting chapter in my book called life, it is an essential part of the plot, and will be my vehicle to another plot-determining page.

I am a count-down girl. I count down the days, the hours, the minutes to everything. Whether it is a big life-event or a small piece of my daily life I am continually counting down. When will I be off work. When will this run be over. When will I get to go to bed. and the biggest count-down as of late How many days until I get to see Rob. Sometimes I feel like my life is a continual countdown- and it is only during my weekends spent really enjoying my life that instead of counting-down I just live in the moment. I fill my days with activities to pass the time, to make my count-down go faster, until of course the event happens and I want to freeze time to enjoy the moment forever. And then I start all over. I have frequently told myself lately that I will be so grateful and happy when I am living my life with the one I love, waking up and going to work each morning, knowing what I will be doing, and having the chance to enjoy my everyday. But what about today? What about these years I am currently living. They are crucial pieces of my life- and to just drift through would be a waste of the precious time I have on this earth. Although I know that I will thoroughly enjoy my life when I have the chance to do that- I know I must also take the opportunity to enjoy my not-so-ideal life "as is" right now.

I have been spending a great deal of time in the past couple weeks applying for teaching jobs. Answering questions. Filling out applications. Perfecting my resume. Writing cover letters. And doing it all over again district after district. I spend hours trying to figure out how to best present myself on a piece of paper- to make myself stand out among hundreds of people using a few short words. And as I submit each application, along with a sense of relief that it is finally done comes a huge feeling of fear. "What if I don't get a job, what if I have to sub for years, it's a huge shot in the dark to be 1 applicant in 800, how will I ever "get my foot in the door" when thousands of other people are trying too. It's terrifying.

For a person with a completely filled out planner, daily events, monthly events and yearly events in color coded coordination- my life feels a little chaotic, and completely out of my control. I don't know where I will be next year, I don't know what I will be doing, I don't know how long Rob and I will be doing long distance, I don't know when I'll get married- or if (although I hope that's not the case), I don't know how long I'll call Moorhead home- and more importantly how long I'll call Mom and Dad's home. It feels out-of-control at times. Yet I continually remind myself that out-of-control is good. And that I don't need to have all the knowledge of my future, maybe its God's way of telling me that I need to just let go and trust him.

In just a few short weeks I will be returning to Montana State University to walk across the stage and receive my diploma. It will symbolically represent the end of an era, and the beginning of yet another. I will accept that piece of paper that will determine the rest of my life. And I will be proud knowing I worked hard for it.  And then I will come back to Moorhead and I will continue to work hard in hopes that- whatever God may have in store for me- will be accomplished.

And my current obsessions: Mint Sorbet Nail Polish and Shutterfly's wonderful giveaways.

Thank You!

How wonderful it is to feel an abundance of love from so many people. My birthday was a huge success! So many people went out of their way to make me feel special- what a blessing. I also got to enjoy my evening at the amazing Tuscana restaurant with my aunt, my parents, Rob's parents and Rob, and finished the night with some free Tutti Frutti ice cream.

Thank you for taking the time to send birthday wishes my way!

I can tell that we are going to be friends...

After a week of some quality conversations with friends- I'm reflecting on how blessed I am to have so many wonderful human beings in my life. People who are genuinely friends- kind, caring, loving individuals who have the best interest of others in mind when they make decisions in their lives. Completely unselfish women and men who I am certain would be there at the drop of a hat if I ever needed them. And I am blessed. I leaves me almost speechless to think about how truly lucky I am. Many people in this world don't have a single soul they know they could count on. If something went terribly awry in their lives, if their worlds crumbled from underneath them, and they hit rock bottom- they wouldn't have one single person to turn to, and I am blessed with not one but many.

These kinds of friendships are what keep my world in motion. To me, there is nothing greater, nothing more important than a relationship with another human being- after all, what else will we leave when we leave this earth but the love we have given to others?

On this eve of my birthday- I want to say Thank You, actually, I want to say more than "thank you" because my gratitude is beyond words, to all the people in my life who have blessed me with their love. It truly is the best gift I never asked for, but so graciously received.

I love my life because of the ones in it.

 
Thanks to social media I have been thinking a lot lately about what makes a friend and the people who are brought into your life.  There are so many people that I feel like I know simply because I am a part of their lives on 1 or 2 or 3 different social media sites. I know what is going on in their lives, I know what they like, I know what they enjoy doing, and how they spend their time, I know their thoughts. And that sounds really creepy, which, I suppose it kind of is- but that's what social media is these days. We let people into our lives on a different level. However, through this feeling I have experienced of relating to people whom I have previously had little insight to their lives, their thoughts and their hobbies, I have felt more and more like I would love to be friends with so many people I barely know.

Call me strange, but that's just the way it is.

Sending lots of love tonight to so many people who have walked a step (or a few million steps) of my life with me.

I've Got Things to Do Before I Die

I was inspired last night by a friend to re-read and update my bucket list. Below you will find some important to-do's on my on-going, ever-changing life to-do list:


- My number one goal in all of these is that I have a photograph from the event while it is being checked off my list.


- See the Olympics live
- Change someone's life for the better
- Write a book, get it published
- Paint all the walls in a room, full of quotes
- Have a picnic at the top of a mountain and spend lots of time just taking in the view
- Have children and raise a family
- Run a marathon
- Learn how to dance
- Be genuinely surprised
- Have the wedding of my dreams
- Be someone's role model
- Drive completely across the country, or totally down the east or west coast
- See the world:
   --Seattle
   --New York
   --Boston
   --Portland
   --Carolinas
   --Ireland
   --Greece
   --London
   --Italian Countryside
   --Santa Lucia
   --Australia
   --Switzerland
   --Scotland
   --Washington DC
   --Chicago 

- Live in the mountains
- Be in the background of a movie
- See a waterfall

- Spend a week relaxing on the beach with good girlfriends

- Spend a week relaxing on the beach with my love

- Go skydiving
- Hike up a mountain
- Sleep under the stars, no tent or anything
- Write a heartfelt letter to everyone I love
- Be in a wedding
- Write my own vows
- Have a job that I absolutely love going to every single day
- Leave a legacy on the world somehow
- See Paris
- Spend a week camping with no technology, only people.
- Send someone flowers for no reason
- Give my parents something in return for their unfailing love
- Make a scrapbook with a story, full of black and white pictures
- Witness a proposal
- Watch the sun rise or set on the ocean
- Spend a whole night dancing
- Crochet a blanket
- Learn how to quilt
- Learn how to say "I love you" in 15 different languages
- See Italy
- Cry tears of joy
- See a broadway play
- Marry my best friend
- Sleep in a hammock
- Spend a whole day in bed with someone from sun up to sun down
- Ride a train
- Eat a large Dairy Queen Blizzard all by myself
- Dance in the rain
- Dance under the stars
- Dance in the kitchen
- Have a mud fight
- Go to a drive in movie
- Sit in an airport for a day and watch people reunite
- Have a 'movie like' reunion with someone
- Visit Niagra Falls
- Own a house
- Learn how to play the guitar
- Read the bible from cover to cover
- Miss someone so much it hurts
- Drive all night long
- Write a song
- Work at a coffee shop
- Be someone's God mother
- Successfully journal every day for a year
-Take a photo every day for year
- Live on nothing but love
- Help someone in desperate need
- Get/give 8 hugs a day for a week
              -A month
              -A year

- Plan a wedding for somebody

- Feel confident about my creativity and use it for the benefit of others (Photography, projects, organization, etc.)

Passionate

If you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life.


It's like a ton of bricks hit me. A quote I have heard a thousand times. I believe that people began spewing this advice into my ears the minute I had my future in my hands and had to "make a decision" about what to do with it.

I often wonder why, at age 18- when we are as freshly adults as a 1 day old baby is out of the womb- we are asked to make a decision about what we want to do for the rest of our lives. Heck, within a year we are supposed to decide a college and declare a major, and from that moment on we are married to the chosen profession. My freshman year was filled with so much change I oftentimes wonder how I survived. My freshman year of college could have gone down in the books as a year of learning, without me ever stepping foot into a classroom. I learned more about life in that year than I ever knew existed prior to that year. Yet- in that same year of change I was expected to decide what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. And decide I did... It was exactly 10 days into second semester, something to the likes of January 17th. I was fresh off of a wonderful, fun-filled, desperately needed Christmas break. I was in star-crossed like with a boy living 900 miles away, freshly off of a break-up with another boy I had been dating for 4 years (I know, I know, I am still convinced God works in the most mysterious ways.), figuring out how to cope with the loss of a friend, and in a physical location that was uncomfortable and as much like home to me as the amazon is to polar bears. I was in an incredibly tender spot in my life, 18 years old, and trying to figure it all out. All of this when I get an e-mail from my adviser telling me that I must, within 7 days, declare my major so that I can register for classes the following semester.

The most delicate time of my life and I have seven days to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life. So I bundle up, tromp through the snow to her office, and think to myself I've always liked kids, and I have wanted to be a teacher since I was a little lad myself, so I guess I'll declare an elementary education major. And that was it. I walked into her office and said... I guess I want to be a teacher. And she said, alright we'll get you registered for some elementary education classes. And I was on my way. That was it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I don't want to be a teacher, or that teachers aren't incredibly important individuals. I am frequently told that I am going to make a great teacher, and there are days when I can't wait to have a classroom of my own and have that sort of influence on children that will allow them to be successful individuals in society, but I have always felt slightly jealous of those people who have had majors they were incredibly passionate about. The people in my life who desire to spend all of their waking hours working on their semester projects, and love every moment of it.

Last year, during a heart-to-heart conversation with Rob he asked me a question that really hit hard and has stuck with me ever since. He said "Amber, what are you passionate about? What in life fills you with pure joy, and truly inspires you?" I just stared at him..."....umm... I don't know. I really like to do arts and crafts, and color, and take pictures. I really love relationships, weddings, and spending time with people. But I don't know what my passion is..."  I could tell you that Rob lives and breathes skiing. He absolutely loves skiing, and is at a place of complete inner peace when he is on his skis. He also is incredibly passionate about architecture. He loves looking at pictures of different architectural designs, working on his own architectural designs and dreaming up ideas related to architecture. Those two things are what drive his life, he is incredibly passionate about both of them. But what is my passion? When do I feel the most joy in life? The only answer I have come up with is when I am with people that I love, but I can't make a career out of loving. So I continue to search...

And for now I'm putting my trust in God knowing that He has a wonderful, beautifully crafted plan for my life. And if I trust Him and follow Him my life will turn out quite okay!

Homesick

When I was young I used to hear the word homesick and think: somebody misses their house. They miss their bed. Their sheets. Their pillows. Their own space. And in some instances, I may have been correct. But, looking back now and knowing what I know, more often then not I bet it wasn't physical objects at all that they missed. I bet they missed the people and the feelings and the comfort of their own home. The love that Mom and Dad gave them before they crawled into bed, the happiness they felt when they got to sit around the dinner table with each of their family members, laughing until their faces hurt with their siblings.

As I've grown up, I've become more and more convinced that people can be miserably homesick in the place they call their physical home. And, in my case, that people can become homesick for a place that has no physical location at all- homesick for a feeling.

Lately I have been really missing Bozeman. Not the cold, small, lonely one-bedroom apartment I called my home when I lived there, but the feelings and happiness experienced during that season of my life. I find myself longing for things that, at the time were just day-to-day experiences. Trips to Costco, coffee at Homepage, a walk to campus through the snow. I find myself longing for a walk on Pete's hill, a trip to Kegy corner and a good service at Jouney Church. My heart deeply longs for the Christmas stroll, the late nights at Cheever hall and the fifth-night-in-a-row ham sandwiches with barbecue sauce and ketchup and a bowl of tomato soup. I'm keenly aware that if I were to return to Bozeman this wouldn't be what my life would look like anymore, yet I desire the experiences I endured during those times- homesick for a feeling.

"Enjoy the little things, because one day you will look back and realize they were the big things." There has never been a more truer statement for my current life situation than this one.n

The concept of home is where your heart is has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I've begun to experience the love of detestable places (Grand Forks, North Dakota) because my heart is most happy in that place. And I've learned that true happiness is achieved when we are not longing to be anywhere else but in the moment we are living. If we are longing for something, someone, or an experience- our hearts are not truly happy and we aren't home.  If we are drifting through life unhappy in our circumstances, not extracting joy from anything we are doing, then nowhere and nothing feels like home. You can end up in your comfortable, cozy, warm bed at night- but you don't feel home.

So I've been homesick. And I'm not sure for what, and I'm not sure for where, but my heart has felt homesick. Homesick for a feeling, for a new experience, homesick for my heart to be happy. Sometimes we just go through seasons of our lives where this is the case, and I'm experiencing a season...